A Fickle Thing
by averynolan
Summary: NC17 Ashley is a big time rock star. Spencer is a fan...but so much more. Love is such a fickle thing. It can make you have dreams about angels...even make you hear.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** A Fickle Thing  
**Author: **Valentine Nolan  
**Pairing:** Spencer and Ashley  
**Rating:** NC17  
**Summary:** Love is such a fickle thing. It can make people's heart flatter. It can cause heart break. It inspires one to make beautiful lyrics or paint masterpieces. It can make angels come from nowhere. It can make the blind see and the deaf hear. The universal language is spoken and that language is love.  
**Author's Note:** Hey! Okay, this is my first fic and well…my first post on the Spashley board. I have always been a Spashley fan since that cool day in 2005, but I have never read any fanfiction. My good friend emailed me this site. So, here I am writing.  
**Feedback:** Please!

**Chapter One**

_  
Her mouth feels soft against mine. It was comforting me in a way that told me she felt the same._

This isn't one sided love.

She pushed me harder up against the wall, almost as if she was impatient. We both wanted this, and we both needed this right now.

She darted her tongue in a little deeper each time she slipped it in. She was letting herself slip inside me, sealing this state of passion.

She pulled her mouth away from mine and I let out a loud groan. Even seconds apart from her is seconds too many.

Surprisingly, she turned my body around, my nipples coming in contact with the cold surface of the wall. Her mouth made its way in contact with my body, moving its way on my shoulder.

Her hand began to crawl its way around my waste to dip between the small patch of blond hairs. Soft and long fingers combed its way through my small patch and slipped into the slit of my lips.

"Fuck you're wet," She moaned into my shoulder before being bold and biting.

From previous moments, she knew that this was a weakness of mine. She wanted to not only dominate this situation, but ensure that I was her's. I lower my head, letting my forehead rest on the wall. This motion telling her I am offering myself to her, making myself vulnerable.

She takes the invitation to heart and plunge two fingers deep inside my virgin center. The tightness was trying hard to push out the invasion but only bringing them in deeper.

"Ahhh," I try to say her name, but it only comes out in a deep moan.

"I know baby," She says as she slides her leg between mine, driving her fingers deeper and letting her clit rub against my ass.

The feel of her wetness dripping down my leg was the best feeling in the world.

The cool breeze from some unknown source sends shivers right through me. The overwhelming feeling was both amazing and nerve-wracking.

Then, she pulled away ever so slightly.

I don't want her to stop.

She possibly can't stop.

I visualize this moment over and over again. Wondering what she will do next. Sometimes the thought changes, but as she kisses the bite mark softly, she adds a third finger.

"Oh God," I scream at the overwhelming pleasure.

Her fingers begin to curl inside me.

The wall feels suddenly not enough to hold my body up, and I am unsure if my legs can hold me anymore. I know that the most fantastic moment is on its way. If I can just ignore the unsteadiness of my legs then I will reach it.

There is barely any silence, but that is alright. The mixture of moans, screams of pleasure, and promises made fills my welcoming ears.

I believe this is what I am hearing.

As her thrust become wilder and my hips become more erratic, your clit pushes even harder and faster against my ass.

My breathing is at an ungodly rate, but so is her's. Each breath that comes out makes both us realize the effect we have on each other.

Her free hand wraps under one of my arms and comes to great my breast. Her soft hand cupped it in her palm, twisting my nipples in between her fingers.

I try to remember when I have ever felt something this amazing, but the thought is lost to me. I don't think I have ever felt anything like this. I have not felt anything so good as her warmth, as her softness. Yet, as of right now it is becoming extremely hard to think.

I moan deeply as all these feelings well up inside of me, and in this moment as we both hit our peeks…she knows I am hers and she is mine.

"I got you," She whispers in my ear. The hand that was at my breast comes down to wrap around my waste. "I got you, baby."

This is what love is.

It's such a fickle thing.

It can make angels come from nowhere…even make the deaf hear. 

I felt a push.

I shrugged off the offending hand.

I felt another push.

I shrugged it off again.

I refused to wake up.

I felt too good.

Then it happened again, except harder.

I opened my eyes. The light was bright and for a second I was absent minded and didn't know where I was. I brought my hand up to rub at my eyes before opening them again. I hoped that I would be met with beautiful whiskey colored eyes.

….

I was still in class.

Fuck.

I turned my head toward the culprit, a raven haired girl. She smiled sheepishly at me and nodded to the front of the class where the blond headed teacher was looking at me. I copied the smile that I had just received and mouthed 'Sorry.'

This was only my third day here and I was already making a bad example for myself. My mom will end up killing me if she found out that I feel asleep in class. Math class to say the least.

I turned my attention back to the girl who was hurryingly writing on a piece of paper before handing it to me.

"You really need to learn to go to sleep at night."

I wrote back, "I did."

Then I passed the note to her.

My mind was still hazy and tiny little snips from the previous dream was still lounged at the front of my head. A floppy smile made its way back on my lips.

It felt so fucking real.

I moved around uncomfortable in my seat.

Even the thought of her made me wet.

I could still feel her right against m…

The paper landed back on my desk. "You was up all night watching the Ashley Davies Concert Marathon. Don't even lie."

I chuckled and began to write back to her when the whole class stood up and began flooding out the door. My eyes went back to the girl. She smiled and motioned for me to come on.

Francesca Cree was the first person I met at King High. She was so welcoming and generally nice. She also knew how it felt to be the new girl. She had come here in the middle of her junior year from Nevada. She is from Reno, so the transition was a little easier for her, but she could sympathize. Our friendship is brand new, but so far she has been great.

I picked up my stuff, stuffing the note deep inside my pocket.

She was right. I was up all night watching the marathon of the girl in concert all over the world.

To me, Ashley Davies was like a younger version of Ani DiFranco. She was not only a good rock singer, but she was an even better folk singer. All her lyrics touched me. Sometimes I wish that it was to me she was talking about.

I followed Francesca out the door. I was still new to this school and I had no clue of where I was going.

This was my third day here.

My mother had moved us out here for a better job. We all quickly agreed due to the need to break away from the small Ohio town. My mother wanted the job. My father wanted to help people. One of my older brothers wanted the variety of different classes and the other brother wanted to be on a more known team to enhance his chances to be scouted.

Me…well I wanted to be free of the torture of a small minded catholic town. Ever since freshman year, my life had been hell. My mother has never looked at me the same way.

So, here I am in the city of angels…or something like that.

I followed Francesca to her car and stepped into the passenger seat. I threw my bag behind me into the back. She hopped in and started the car. I saw her reach for the volume and saw her turn it up.

She drove off with the car vibrating with the sounds of some song in the air.

Yet, all I could hear was the beautiful sound of Ashley Davies breathing in my ear.

My name is Spencer Carlin.

I am completely in love with Ashley Davies, a beautiful Rock Princess.

…

And I am deaf.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey! Okay this chapter is mostly giving you a little of Spencer's history and moving the story along. I am going to bring Ashley in as soon as possible, but I don't want to rush the story cause that would be a bad thing. Anyway, I hope you like it and I do ever so love you guy's feedback!**

Chapter Two. 

_  
"Spencer," she moaned in my ear as I brought her to shear ecstasy._

My fingers were buried deep inside her, massaging the convulsing muscle. Her body was breathing wildly against mine.

She felt like heaven in my arms as she arched her back, her body pressing harder into mine. I held one arm around her waste, keeping her from falling away from my touch.

I knew that I had to keep touching her. I just had to. If I lost this since of touch then I know it would all go away. She was my anchor to this world of ecstasy and freedom.

"Please," she said.

Her voice is the only thing that I can hear. It is a beautiful raspy sound that has been described to me a million times over. Yet, instead of written words trying to explain a sound only God's should hear, I can hear it. It flows so freely into my mind.

She came down off of her orgasm, panting for breath. I didn't take my fingers out of her. The feeling of warmth surrounded me, and I knew that once I came out of her then I could easily loose that feeling.

Instead, my lips found her lips and kissing softly. I trailed lazy kisses along her mouth, down her jaw, and to end nibbling on the little spot behind her ear.

"God, what you do to me," She said breathlessly.

The only thing running through my mind was that if this is what sound was…

… then I morn my loss of hearing in every second of everyday. 

I was born deaf.

I never heard a sound in my life.

I never really realized that I was different from everyone else until I finally learned how to play the piano. I was five and my Dad thought it would be a good time to introduce music to me.

He thought it would make me feel more connected with the hearing world.

I just thought everyone heard nothingness.

I thought hearing nothing was normal.

I learned sign from a very young age. In fact, I don't even remember learning it. It is just like speaking, I just knew. Of course, I know that I didn't just know it but my Dad had used it since the day I was born. That is how my mother and brother picked up on it. Eventually when Clay came into the family, he picked up on it also.

Though, by the time Clay came I knew how to read lips. Past a certain age my mom thought it was pivotal and went through a period where she wouldn't sign. Leaving me to figure out the language on my own.

That is when I learned how to speak.

I couldn't hear my words which meant I didn't know if I was whispering or screaming. It took a while, but soon I learned how to tell them all apart.

I never really cared to hear my own voice as a child. Everyone never failed to tell me that my voice sounded like an angel's in heaven. I didn't care much about it, so I believed them.

"Spencer, can you get the chicken out of the oven?" My father signs to me in his red apron.

I nodded my head and proceeded to do the task.

My father had been in the kitchen for the last hour cooking dinner. I smiled at the thought of my father being the one to take care of us. My mother, an emergency room surgeon, was never really home.

My father, on the other hand, was the perfect parent who was always home at the same time. He home schooled me and Glen until I was ten. Glen ended up going to school when he was nine, not wanting to be home all the time anymore. So, I was even happier. I had my Daddy all to myself.

Once I turned ten though, I headed into school. Dad went back to work full time. It was the best choice because all his work he did in Ohio landed him the position as head of Los Angeles' Social Work Department.

My father and I have always been close.

On the other hand, my mother and I are a different story.

She was the first to suggest surgery to try to fix my hearing. She thought it was not far to me to be deaf. I just think that she was depressed that her little girl wouldn't be able to do all the things she wanted me to do. Which is bullshit cause I can, but I wasn't perfect.

You see, I was my mother's last chance at her perfect daughter. After Glen, she wasn't supposed to get pregnant again. Something about her insides dissertating or something. I really don't know.

So, she went though about six miscarriages before having me.

Dad always said that mom was so happy when she found out I was a girl. When she had me she was ecstatic. It wasn't until I was three months they diagnosed me as deaf. In the beginning they just thought it was something else. In reality they knew, but my mother wanted to believe I wasn't.

She wasn't a bad mother as I was growing up. She wasn't the best either.

We had our moments.

She introduced me to my love for art.

I just wasn't what she wanted and she mourned that everyday.

The last day I remember spending the whole day with my mother was when I was eight. My mother and I left early in the morning and when horseback riding. We stayed out all day and came back at night fall. We would walk along creeks and she tried to describe the sounds around us.

The last time I remember my mother looking me in the eyes was when I was twelve. I gave her a painting for mother's day.

Now, she barely could talk to me without having that disappointed look in her eyes. It was ever since I came out. I was God's mistake instead of his miracle.

"Here we go," I said breaking out of thought and putting the baked chicken on top of the counter.

"Thank you," Dad signs back to me. "Tell your brothers dinner is ready."

I nodded my head and ran upstairs. I knocked on each of their doors, yelling "Dinner" behind me as I headed into my room.

I quickly made it to my open lap top. I refreshed my myspace page in hopes of a message from Francesca. She told me as we was driving me home that she had a surprise for me and wanted to tell me over myspace.

I had only known the girl a couple days and she already is a good friend.

I believe that our quick friendship was due to our love for Ashley Davies.

Francesca's love for the rock star was purely fan oriented. Her love toward her wasn't anything sexual, but she loves the girl's music and whole persona. She was the typical obsessed fan.

Me…

I see deeper then a rock star. To me, Ashley Davies is someone who I know I could actually sit and have a deep and meaningful conversation with. Ashley Davies seems more than she lets the public see. Her complete openness is awesome, but I feel there is much more about the rock princess.

I can read between the lines in her lyrics. Past all the evident pain about love and how her soul aches for the other part. I know there is more to her then she actually lets us all see.

As smooth as her lyrics flow, so does her hidden secrets. I wanted to flow along with them and learn every single part.

This girl was in my dreams and in my thoughts.

I wanted to know this girl. Yet, I feel like I do. I feel like I don't know enough though.

"Finally," I said as I clicked the inbox message sent by Francesca.

The message opens quickly on screen to reveal a banner.

"Ashley Davies Unplugged. Saturday, October 27, 8 pm."

It was there, written so beautifully on a banner made by MTV with the most gorgeous photo of Ashley Davies on it.

My heart nearly stopped as I read what Francesca wrote under it.

"Dad's a producer for MTV. Gave me two tickets. You're comin with."

I nearly hit my head on the ceiling as I jumped up and down over and over again excited.

I was going to see Ashley Davies in real life.

I ran downstairs to my waiting family with the hugest grin on my face. This is the best moment in my life….ever!

"What's with the smile?" Glen asked from across from me, his mouth full. Funny, I could still read people's lips perfectly even with tons of food in it. I wonder why?

I looked at Dad, then back to him. "Fran got tickets to the Ashley Davies's MTV unplugged concert for Saturday."

Glen's eyes got wide, "Fuck, really?"

"Glen, watch your mouth." Dad said on the side.

I nodded my head, "Yeah and I'm going!"

"No fair! I wanna go."

I just lean back, smug. "Sorry, her dad only gave her two tickets."

"And she is wasting them on you?"

"Better then you."

"You can't even fucking hear. Why are you going?"

Clay pushed Glen. He was always the sensible brother, the smart one. Glen would always try to use my loss of hearing against me any chance he got. Like I was somehow more less then a person then he was. Most of the time I brush it off, but this time it sort of hurt. He said it like just being there seeing her was somehow a waste of my time.

I mean, who would want someone who couldn't hear the beautiful music that you put your soul into making? Huh?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you everyone who sent me some feedback! We are getting closer to Ashley! Yay! Okay, during my Multi Media Class I made a couple things. I only had a couple minutes and I had a couple pictures, so they look like shit, but it is something for you guys. Oh, if anyone can make me a better sig. for this story, please please do so.  
Anyway….**

Chapter Three

I was fourteen when I _heard_ my first Ashley Davies song. It was right after I came out to my family and I had been staying with my Grandmamá Carlin for Spring Break in Montreal.

I was sitting out on the roof garden watching the stars when I felt a strange vibration coming from below me. It was something other then what I felt before. It was new and wild, yet it had an oldness and tameness somewhere laced inside it.

I jumped down and put the side of my face to the ground, feeling it against my ear. It shot straight through to somewhere deep in my brain. Possibly my soul. Once that song ended, another started, and I stayed like that until the vibrations stopped.

When I went downstairs, I asked my Grandmamá what she had been listening to and she just told me something a student of her's gave her. She handed me the CD and went back to what she was doing.

I had taken the CD to my room and put it on. I pulled out the little cover to reveal several pictures of Ashley Davies, and then there it was…the lyrics.

She was the first person who taught me how to begin to hear.

As a child, I could hear with other things, my eyes and touch. Yet, she introduced me to something deeper than that. It was some time between me lying down on the floor with half my face feeling the vibrations to when my eyes read all the lyrics on the page that I learned how to hear with my heart and soul.

When I was fifteen I had another opportunity to get the surgery. It wouldn't fix my hearing perfectly, but it would be damn close. I was tempted to get it.

I mean, my mom would probably look at me like she loved me.

My life would be a lot easier.

I wouldn't be looked upon as less then a person.

Then I walked into my room at the time, and one of my Ashley Davies' CD was playing. It reminded me that I already could hear. It wasn't the way that most heard, but it was something better…deeper.

"Spencer?" Francesca nudged me in my side trying to get my attention.

I shook my head out of the memories that was filling my head and turned my attention to the dark haired girl.

"Yeah?" I said taking my feet from underneath me.

"So, what do you think we should wear tomorrow?"

I took a minute to think.

It was Friday night and I was staying the night at Francesca's for we could spend all tomorrow getting ready for the concert tomorrow. We decided that tonight was dedicated to picking out killer outfits and watching one of Ashley Davies' concerts that she just finished over in Asia.

"I don't know," I said to her, signing also. It was a habit to do both.

"Well, lets go to the closet," She said.

Francesca gave up trying to learn sign language the first day that I came here. I couldn't blame her. She was the type of person to talk fast and not waste time.

She jumped up and headed to her walk in closet. She disappeared in it.

I flopped back on her bed. "I can't believe that we are going to see Ashley Davies tomorrow!" I exhausted.

She came out of the closet with a arm full of different shirts. "Why do you always say 'Ashley Davies'? Why not just 'Ashley'?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know. Habit, I guess."

"Well, kill it. What if we meet her tomorrow? I mean, I bet Daddy can get us in there…"

I jumped up totally excited.

"He can do that?"

She nodded her head, "He did it for me at the Justin Timberlake concert. That's how Maddy got to tour with him."

My eyes widened.

Madison was Francesca's older sister who has been touring around with Justin Timberlake for the last three years. She had been a King High cheerleader until the night her and Francesca went to one of his concerts. From what Francesca tells me, Justin had saw Madison in the crowd dancing to his music and loved it.

Now, Madison is one of his lead dancers and currently supposedly in some kind of relationship with him. Francesca wasn't really sure about it.

"That would be…Wow." I said almost quietly. I was completely amazed.

Meeting Ashley would open up so many different possibilities.

"I know, wouldn't it?" She asked me sitting down the piles of clothes. I got up to stand next to her and go through them. "We would totally rule King High for that."

"I really don't care about ruling King High. I am more keen on the idea of meeting Ashley."

"You would be!"

I laughed at her. "Yeah I would."

I spent the next four hours going through tons of different outfits, shoes, and hairstyles. I was nearly too tired to watch the concert on TV by the time we got done.

Francesca ended up falling asleep before I even got the TV on. I wanted to go to bed also, my body was aching for much needed sleep, but I wanted to watch this. It felt like if I watched Ashley before I went to bed, then she would be in my dreams.

The only bad thing was when I woke up she was never there.

What hurt even more was that I knew she would never be there.

The concert started up beautifully. I had turned on the subtitles and turned off the sound. This was how I liked to watch her concerts. Knowing that the sound was off made me use my soul even more.

It also made me feel more normal, like I wasn't missing anything. With the sound on, I felt like the outsider who would never experience whatever is happening on the inside.

The camera would zoom in on her. She was such a random musician. Her songs ranged from Indie to Rock to Folk, even some country and rap. Whatever she did, it was magic and I knew that I wasn't the only person who thought that.

She put out her first record when she was sixteen, almost five years ago. Now, she had seven albums out. They all went straight to number one, knocking the previous one down a spot. She won twelve Grammy's and too many other awards to keep track of. She worked with every other artist out there and did a lot of collaborations with Justin Timberlake, Ani DiFranco, and Kanye West to name a few.

Where I am getting at is this girl is on top of her game.

I fell asleep sometime during the forth song, too tired to keep my eyes open.

I knew sleep will come and hopefully I don't wake up til two tomorrow.

Whatever happens…

Tomorrow I will see a Goddess.

_  
She pulled me to her, the water sliding down our bodies warm and embracing. She gingerly kissed me under the hot spray of water._

She kissed me with such urgency that had never shown up in our previous encounters.

"What's the rush?" I said pulling my lips away for only milliseconds.

"I need you," She moaned into my mouth. Her hand trailed from my lower back down to the inside of my thigh. Teasing the flesh there by lighting scratching with her fingertips.

A gasp fell from my lips when I felt her stop teasing and moved her fingers to slip in between my thighs and stroke my clit.

She knew how to drive me crazy and she always used it to her advantage.

"Do you like that?"

I nodded my head, lifting a thigh to rest over her hip. I felt her fingers slide deeper to slip into my center freely. Her hands were always so soft and when she would slip two fingers deep into my center, I knew that I would come very soon.

She brought her other hand to cup my breast and then took her mouth away from mine. She lowered her mouth to take in one of my inviting nipples between her teeth gaining a loud hiss from my lips.

As her fingers worked their way in and out, her tongue went to work on my nipples. She alternated between both of them, sucking and nibbling away.

She freed her hand from my breast and brought it to work with her other. Her mouth lovingly nibbling at my nipples, taking a fair amount of time on each.

I was already moaning and cooing from her fingers working my center. The water was cascading over us in a sensual motion.

This was beauty.

Her fingers curved and her others worked at my clit. The over sensitive organs screamed out for a release.

"I fucking love you," Was whispered against my chest and it was it.

I came in a white hot orgasm that left my knees buckling and my heart pounding. She pulled her hands out of me before sucking her fingers in her mouth.

"Mmmm," She moaned taking them out.

I nodded my head, too out there to say anything coherent.

She leaned into me, "You better wake up."

I looked at her confused. "Huh?"

"You better wake up."

"Oh, I am awake."

She laughed, " You need to wake up."

"I am."

"No, hun, you're asleep. You're gonna be late if you don't wake up."

I looked at her.

Sometimes even in dreams you know the real world exist. 

**Tomorrow? Ashley? The Concert?**

What do you think? 


	4. Chapter 4

[b

A/N: Hey! Okay I have been asked is Spencer can talk or hear or whatever haha, so let me explain. Spencer can't hear, nothing. Well, she can't hear sound. She can speak and she can read lips. Now, in her dreams she thinks she can hear. Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier.

Oh and the clothes that I 'described' for Spencer and Francesca are from Target's new GO collection if you wanna check it out lol.

Oh and I just sorta woke up…so this might not make a whole lotta since.  Also, I was going to break this into parts…but I love you guys so much and know that you will give me some feedback for it.  Maybe even marriage proposals. ;-)

Oh! Sorry. And '…' are things Spencer can't hear or see.

And I can't believe I was on the second page. 

Okay you guys ready?

Go!

[IMGhttp://i13. Duarte)

[IMGhttp://i13. Four.[/b

[i"_I love you." _

_She kissed me tenderly and lovingly, all the intimacy and love we had for each other was blending together. It was a intoxicating, mind blowing, passionate kiss. _

_I opened my mouth to let her prodding tongue come in and caress mine. _

_The storm broke, drops of rain streaking like tiny bullets, wind picking up and swirled around us. I could feel the water from the ocean kiss our skin in the breeze. As we kissed, pressing our bodies into each other eagerly, the rain poured down soaking us. Tiny streams of water running across our faces to our lips, making it's way into our hungry mouths. _

_  
We never slowed down. _

_The kiss became passionate and I swore I would pass out soon from the lack of air. _

_Ashley pulled away, a pout on her face as she stared at me. _

"_Maybe we should get you home," Her hand came up to stroke my cheek. "You look cold."_

_I cut her off with my lips against her's, enjoying the soft sigh that ran through her body. _

_  
Tiny little whimpers of desire ran over both our bodies as the rain beat down on us. The only thing here was us, and the whole world was out far away. _

_Here the real world never mattered._

My hands started moving, tracing circles on her back evoking little whimpers of desire. 

_Here we were, two lovers in an entangling embrace, kissing. We were on the open beach, the sun setting and rain falling helplessly. We began peeling off each other's bikini tops, fingers eagerly moving across skin, touching, feeling, lips never breakings. _

_  
Finally, I broke the kiss and tore her bikini top away throwing it off somewhere. Mine was somewhere behind her. _

_We gazed at each other, our vision never breaking even in the pouring rain. I licked my lips at the sight of little rivulets of water ran between her breasts, down her stomach, to her bottoms. Little ripples of arousal shot through my body.  
_

_Lightning crackled across the sky, illuminating our wet bodies as we tore the rest of our closes off. _

_We stood here.  
_

_A passionate embrace slowly was becoming more vertical, hands sliding lower, and gasps of pleasure escaped lips. _

_The sounds of the storm rocked each of us and blocked out our cries of ecstasy as our fingers found their way lower, rubbing clits gently. _

_I could hear each and every sound, each and every beat of her heart. _

_In my dreams this angel's voice reaches my ears and makes my world full of sound_. [/i

I sat nervously on the deep blue couch next to Francesca. My heart was racing as fast as it could possibly go. As each second past, the beats gained more momentum.

We had been sitting her for the past hour…just waiting.

I could feel her excitement from next to me, but I felt something more then that. I don't know if it was because there was about five thousand other people was around us or if it was my own.

I was fucking [bexcited[/b!

I knew that in ten minutes my life would change…for the better.

She was going to be so close.

I must give the people who designed the concert hall major kudos. It was very intimate and warm.

There were tiny lights handing from the ceiling low to the crowd. They flickered every now and then giving off the impression that they were real candle light.

The people who got the first and second rolls were by far the luckiest people alive. Comfortable dark colored couches took place of the seats. They were all scattered around the stage, but also below the stage was a half moon clearing.

In the clearing was a lone black stool, a microphone on its stand, and the well known acoustic guitar of Ashley Davies.

The stage was set up for her band…but the real focus point was the single lighted stool eight feet directly in front of me.

I reached nervously for the glass of sparkling grape juice on the table in front of me (the only thing that will be between me and Ms. Davies). I passed on the wine that Mrs. Duarte was going to buy us.

The designers really were aiming for the whole intimate effect. If the rolls of seats packed with eager fans weren't filled, they would have hit it dead on.

"You look good," Mrs. Duarte told me. It took me a minute to catch on because it was dark and I couldn't see her lips.

I smiled, "Thank you, it took me and Francesca forever to decide what to wear."

I could feel Francesca nod next to me.

It was true; it took us all last night to decide on outfits. Then this morning (more like afternoon cause we woke up at three), we decided that we didn't like that outfit because it was raining.

Francesca finally decided on the whole English country girl look, which I guess is in. She has on an antique white Swiss dot shits under these black skirt-alls (skirt overalls). With her jet back hair and black leggings, the outfit looks very attractive surprisingly.

Francesca decided it wasn't my choice to dress myself and that I was one of her fashion models. I am not really angry, but a girl would like some warning for when she goes in uber fashion mode. Plus…I look pretty good.

I wore a gray Victorian ruffled front blouse, with the top four buttons unbuttoned, exposing an ample amount of skin. Then I wore these crepe overalls that were uniquely cut. 'Tapered straps wrap around the neck and fasten with and adjustable button' is how she explained it to me. I just nodded my head.

I look good.

"She does look good doesn't she?" Francesca asked from next to me smiling at her mom.

Did she just check me out?

I felt Francesca's eyes travel down the exposed skin. She must just be honoring her work, because last time I checked this girl wasn't gay. Not even close.

"She's also…" I couldn't see the rest of the words from Francesca's lips.

Usually at times like now, I would get frustrated not being able to see people talk but I knew that in a matter of minutes that the only person I need to see's lips are going to be in perfect view for me.

I just sat back between both of them as they carried on their talk. I really didn't care right now anyway.

It was getting close.

I blinked my eyes for a second, trying to bring her face back to my site.

I couldn't.

I couldn't close my eyes and have her face right in front of me. I usually could in a matter of seconds. Yet…

The lights went completely off.

I snapped my eyes open to darkness.

In my head I could hear them introducing Ashley. The screen came on above the stage revealing all these pictures of her in the recording studio and on tour.

…Ashley Davies….

Then it ended with a video of her as a kid, probably seven or eight, at the mixing tables watching her dad record. But, she was the only one at them. Her hair was a little messy and her face was completely in 'thought' mode. Her tiny fingers where messing with the sound bars as if she did it her whole life.

I have never seen this video before. In fact I never had seen her as a child.

It was absolutely beautiful.

She turned toward the camera to put up a finger for them to be quiet. She turned her head toward the speaker next to her. Her tongue was between her teeth and her ear next to the speaker.

A smile came on her lips as she moved the mixer just a tiny bit.

"There." She said toward the camera with an accomplished smile. "Perfect."

A smile was on my lips when the light was put on that little area eight feet in front of me. The screen went to the shot of that, yet I didn't have too look up there.

She came out of nowhere behind a couple couches. She walked to the stole and took a seat. There was a pleased smile on her face.

She was….

Beautiful.

She looked so comfortable and angelic with the light hitting her in such a soft way. I glanced quickly up at the screen and back to her. I suddenly felt sorry for all the people in the whole world (and this concert hall) who couldn't see her from where I was. My heart ached for them.

This angel was dressed so simply. She wore faded hip hugger jeans with some black chucks. She had on a shirt with a peace sign taking up the front and the shoulders rolled up to show off her sun kissed shoulders.

Her hair came down her shoulders in beautiful chestnut colored curls. What surprised me the most was that she had her black framed glasses on that framed her beautiful Chocolate colored eyes. The smile on her lips was simple, but also tired.

I knew that she had just got back from an Asian trip only a day ago. She had been touring in Europe and Asia for the last six months. She had a tour for America coming up in two months, but I knew that this event must have kept her really tired.

"Hey everyone!" She said, her lips completely visible to my vision.

She was so close.

I could just stand up and walk to her…in two seconds.

My eyes never left her.

"I am so glad you guys made it! Welcome to my MTV unplugged!" I wanted to say her voice was something, but I sorta can't, yet I can describe what I am 'hearing'.

I can see every single move she makes. It is all free minded and tentative. She moves with such unthought-of about grace. I could feel her energy that she gave off. It was a mix of excitement and happiness. It was as if this was where she was meant to be.

God, she looked so meant to be there.

As she reached down for her guitar was when it happened.

Her eyes had flakes of gold in it.

I noticed that the first instant that we locked eyes.

It felt the complete soul shocking electrical energy go from her eyes to mine. It knocked the breath out of my body and my heart sped up to an unthinkable speed.

A smile tugged at my lips in this second to match hers.

The only difference about her smile was that it was now for me.

..not them…

She shot so many different words in my gaze, but the most powerful was that as much as I felt that electrical tug on my heart, she felt it too.

In that second my life changed.

In that second I [bknow[/b my life changed.

Our eyes didn't mean back until her fifth song.

"Okay, guys, now it is time for some new songs off the new album." She said biting her lip. Then she continued, "This song is called 'Deep'."

[i"What's the saying, hurts so wrong

Get around your love and it's on

And what's the saying, love at first sight

Bash the thought, but you know it's right

"Deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up

So deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up for air"[/i

Her eyes met mine. I could read her lips clearly as ever, each forming the worlds perfectly. As I watched her tentatively, her way of singing is to put herself all the way out there. She didn't care what other's thought.

It was as if she was singing this part to me.

[i"First time I saw that girl

Double take, a hidden pearl

First time I saw those eyes

Blown away, I'm mesmerized

First time I saw that grin

What a trip, let us begin"[/i

Her eyes left mine to look around at the crowded. Singing out to them, smiling at a few.

But not how she did me.

[i"Deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up

So deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up for air"[/i

Her eyes came back to mine. A smug smirk now coming on her lips.

She was having fun with this.

[i"First time I saw you move

Hypnotized by your groove

First time I touched your skin

I thought us lovers and not just friends

First time I felt your close, body warmth

Overdose"[/i

They left me again.

[i"Deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up

So deep, so deep in love

So deep I don't wanna come up for air

For air"[/i

But not for long. They came back.

[i"What's the saying, love at first sight

Bash the thought, but you know it's right

And what's the saying, hurts so wrong

Get around your love and it's on"[/i

A smile was on my lips as she finished the song. I felt a nudge in my side by Francesca. Her eyes were wide and an "Oh My God' formed on her lips. I just smiled and returned my gaze back to the stage.

She was taking a long drink of water before going back to talking to the crowd.

"Did you guys like that one?"

…

"Good, I liked that one too. Well, more now then ever." Her eyes flickered to mine. "So, how are you guys doing?"

….

"Great! I just got back from Tokyo. Tired." She half frowned at the end. Her facial expressions were priceless. They were so random and animated.

They were so damn cute!

"Okay, so let me tell you a story."

…

"Haha, well I'm glad you like a story."

…

"So, you know that Annie and I broke up a couple months back?"

…

"Whoa, okay she may not be the best person in the world but does she deserve that?"

…

She begins to laugh. Her face to lit up and amused at whatever someone just said. Her laugh makes me smile so brightly. She looked completely thrilled.

"Anyway, so I saw her yesterday and she asked me to dinner. I told her 'no'. She asked me how I was feelin. I said, 'good.' Then she said something totally air headed and then walked away."

…

"I know, right? Well, then I heard a song on the radio right after that."

…

"Let's go a little old school blues for a second. Because I am truly feeling good.."

She sand 'Feeling Good'. She sang it so soulfully that made it an honor to be able to watch

That is how the whole concert went. Her singing so beautifully.

She really was an angel.

The only thing that made me sad was that she didn't meet my eyes anymore. Her attention was strictly on the audience.

She was different then earlier though. She went all the way out and gave the best performance that I have ever seen of her's. I didn't know if it was because I am seeing her in person or if she was giving it more…as if she was going out of her way to impress someone.

I don't care.

The rest of the concert I refused to take my eyes off of the angel.

I was completely excited to go backstage.

I had prepared myself for it.

I wasn't prepared to sitting on her couch in her dressing room.

In fact, I was almost going crazy with anticipation by the time I heard the door open.

When we were backstage a large and tall black bald man told me the Ms. Davies would like to meet me in her dressing room. I turned to Francesca to come, but her emphasized on the 'me' part.

So, I am sitting her on her couch waiting for her to get done with interviews.

I let my eyes fall to her dressing room mirror.

There were random pictures hanging up along the mirror.

A couple was of her and her father, an animated man who was a rock legend.

There was a couple of her and what I known to be her half sister.

Then the last one was of her sister in a hospital bed with a baby. I never knew her sister had a kid. From the look of it, she had a baby girl.

Someone had walked in the room and stood in front of me now.

I jumped.

"Sorry," I saw on her lips, but I saw her hold back laughter.

I smiled, "It's alright. Sorry, I didn't hear you."

She smiled at me, "Oh it's alright. Just saying that's my little niece."

I didn't take my eyes off of her.

I didn't sign either.

She had a sweat dripping down from her brow, and even that was sexy to me. "Really? How old is she?"

She sat down the bottle of Jack she had in her hand on the table and she took a seat in a backwards facing chair, her legs straddling it. "Ummm, three days. It was taken last night actually."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded her head, "Yeah, my sister had her at the perfect time. I got off the plane and then got the phone call."

I smiled at her, meeting her eyes.

She was so…alive.

I tilted my head, smiling at her. "What's her name?"

Her smile got big, "Ashley-Marie Anne Dennison."

My eyebrows went up, "Wow, after you?"

She nodded her head looking over at the photo lovingly. "I was just as surprised."

She was quiet for a minute, starring over at the picture.

I just watched her face become clam. This was something that meant the world to her. I could see it written across her face. Her family…they mean so much for her.

"Sorry, I'm Ashley." She said outreaching her hand to me.

I smiled, taking the offering hand in my own. Her skin was so soft and warm. I didn't want to let go.

"Spencer Carlin."

"So, did you like the concert?"

I nodded my head, "Completely loved it!"

"That's good."

I nodded my head and looked away shyly. Our hands finally coming out of each other's contact.

"So, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come out with me and my band?"

Surprise was written all over my face, " I would lo…"

Fuck, Mom wanted me home tonight for I would wake up for church.

"I can't." I frowned and I saw her smile disappear also.

"Too bad, I sorta wanted to get to know you better Ms. Carlin," She said smiling at me.

Was it getting hot in here?

"Tomorr…"

"Huh?" I said turning my focus back to her lips. She repeated what she said.

I couldn't stop smiling, "What did you have in mind?"

She looked up for a moment, as if she was thinking.

It was in the moment I actually realized that I was in Ashley Davies' DRESSING ROOM!

Alone.

With her.

My heart picked up and my breathing became deeper.

This was awesome.

Fuck, she smells like she does in my dreams.

Cinnamon and Sour apples.

I just wanted to….

"I promised Kyla I would come over for dinner around five, but how about we get some coffee around three?"

She paused searching my eyes for something. I could see her eyes were laced with that electrical spark that flowed between the both of us earlier. Mine suddenly charged up with it.

She found was she was looking for.

"Then maybe…if you want you could…." She looked down toward the end. Her lips hidden from my view.

Shit!

I could see what she was saying.

If I could what?

I had to know. That means I had to tell her. But what if she looks at me different?

But if I could what?

"Sorry," I interrupted. "I can't see your lips." I said quietly.

Her head came up with confusion written on it. Then she smirked, "Wow, Ms. Carlin, so you have been looking at my lips?"

I blushed five colors then. "No."

"No?"

"I mean Yes. I mean no. I mean…"

"It's alright if you have."

"I have but it's only because I can't hear." I said in one rushed breath.

The smirk of her fell. "Huh?"

My smile had also dissipated. "I'm deaf, I can't hear."

She nodded her head. Her face suddenly realizing what I said.

I watched for it.

Something telling me she wasn't interested anymore.

It had to be coming.

The spark was probably leaving.

"Oh, Sorry, I just asked if you wanted to maybe come to dinner with me. It's nothing big really." She said.

Wait.

It was still there.

She continued rambling, "Actually, I don't know why I am asking you because we all act stupid…and well…does that sound good?" A small smile rested on her lips.

In that moment, as a strand of russet colored locks fell into her face I knew that my life had just got better times a million.

I smiled, "I would love to."

Then more to myself, "I wonder if Clay would let me borrow his car."

"Oh that won't be necessary. I can pick you up." She said, making sure she was in my view.

"I don't want you to go…"

"I'll pick you up at three."

She smiled at me and stood up.

"Where do you live?"

[b What do you think?

Wow, that took long.

12 pages… haha love ya guys!

And here is a little…sneak peek.

[IMGhttp://i13. [/b


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay here you guys go.**

A little insight, Spencer is 17 and Ashley is 21. I made it this way because Ashley is a lot more mature then how we see her on the show. She has more experience and she has been through a lot of shit. Her and Kyla are close, and they both have been through a lot of shit together also. There will be so much of their story coming soon.

First, I have to write this chapter.

Chapter Five consist of different parts. Each part is telling the story of the one day. This day is going to be very pivotal to the story.

I hope you enjoy it my loves. 

Italics of flashbacks.

Chapter Five. Part One. 

I close my eyes cause I know that everything from now on will be alright.

_  
"So, when's your birthday?" She asked me taking a sip from her iced mocha latte._

I played nervously with my cup in my hands, "Umm, December 31st."

"How old are you?" She said, her smile coming back onto perfect lips.

We had only been in the café for five minutes before she started this little interrogation. It was completely weird, every time I spoke she listened so intently and her eyes never left mine.

God, her eyes are beautiful.

Last night I saw the tiny gold flakes in her eyes, but today, as the sun comes freely through the café's window, her eyes was beyond perfect. Her big beautiful eyes had flakes of gold and a whiskey colored brown. The sun had highlighted every golden flake making her eyes shine bright.

She was absolutely wonderful.

I was going crazy by the time she had called my cell signifying that she was outside. I still had my sweats and tank on thinking I still had an hour left. I would have been better off keeping on my Sunday dress.

Well, I didn't know that Ms. Davies was a very impatient person and liked to come early.

I throw on some light blue faded hip huggers and put my hair in a pony tale. I didn't worry much about wearing my tank, it was a burgundy color that did well with my jeans. I slipped on some flip flops and was out the door.

I sorta didn't tell my family who exactly I was going with.

My father would have been fine…but my mom would have locked me away in my room, put a skirt on Glen, and sent him in my place.

So, as far as they know Madison is in town and I am going with Francesca to hang out with her.

"Seventeen," I told her.

Her eyebrow went up, "Really?"

I nodded my head, "Yeah, how old did you think I was?"

"Twenty?"

I opened my mouth, "Wow, I usually get a younger age, not older."

"Well, you look very beautiful no matter what."

I lowered my head, blushing. I never got that before. I was never called beautiful. I was other things; pretty, average, disabled, cute, normal, nobody, nothing…but not beautiful. Those words where saved for someone who was actually beautiful.

I wasn't one of them.

"I'm not beautiful." I said keeping my head low.

A gentle hand found its way under my chin. The skin so soft, warm, and smooth that made me wonder if it was real. She lifted my head so our eyes met.

Have you ever met someone that you feel like you knew forever?

That you felt your soul suddenly connected with each other?

She was the only person ever that I have felt that with.

"Listen to me," She demanded.

She stopped realizing what she said. As she realized it, she didn't correct herself.

"Listen to me," She said again. "You are the most beautiful girl that I have ever been blessed to see. Believe me, I have seen a **lot** of girls."

She winked at me at the end statement.

"You understand?" She asked me.

I nodded my head.

"Good," she said, her thumb unconsciously moving across my bottom lip.

So soft…

We stayed like that for a moment. We were looking into each other's eyes so freely that it felt as if this was what we were meant to do.

As fast as our moment started, it ended just as fast by her removing her hand.

"So, where do you go to school?" She took another sip from her latte.

"King High," I said rolling my eyes and then smiling.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"God, I went there. It was pure hell." She said making a disgusted face.

I swear I can get used to looking at this girl and her wacky facial expression. She would make these absolutely gorgeous and adorable facial expressions that made me want to kiss her. Just pull her across the table and kiss her.

"How long have you been going there?" She asked.

"Since last Wednesday." I said with a small smile, my fingers now tapping on the table above my drink.

Her eyes went to watch my fingers, "Really? So where did you go before here?"

I looked over her face as her eyes were on my fingers.

I want to say she is beautiful, she is gorgeous, she is a goddess, but she is so much more than that.

I feel that I am somewhere lost in my head, and this is just another one of my fantastical dreams.

Yet, I know this is the most real moment in my entire life.

I can't say she is just one thing.

She is amazing.

She is down to earth.

She has secrets written in her irises and words written on her lips.

She had a face only angel's should be able to see. Her skin glowed with the radiance of the sun and her hair hung in chestnut locks down her back. She had a smile that never ceased, even when it wasn't on her lips.

I heard heaven sing in my ears every time she spoke to me. God telling me that even though I couldn't hear her voice, he would play the angelic choir of his in replace.

It only played for her.

When I was little my mother used to tell me that sometimes God sent his angels out in disguise to watch over us. Sometimes, if the angel was lucky he would send them to be reborn as a gift to one of us.

In its own strange way I believe my father was sent to my mother.

I bet he was an angel, he has to be.

I believe in my mother's own time she would learn what her angel has been trying to teach her for years. It was something that only took me moments to learn from him. Love is a universal language that didn't take ears to here, it took something deeper. Not even your heart, the most important organ in your body, could hear this language. You could only hear it with your soul.

She has yet heard the language.

Right now, as I stare at this unique beauty, the sun is shining from the window behind her basking her in light.

I bet she is an angel.

Possibly, my angel.

I am trying to sleep because I know that this will keep her in my dreams.

I am lying in my bed, the covers tangled in between my legs and pillows surrounding me. This bed used to give me a since of completeness. I knew that every night I would lie down in this bed I would sleep in a beautiful slumber.

Now, after today, I felt empty and alone in this bed.

So, I'll try to sleep tonight and keep her in my dreams until the day comes when I can bring her home with me.

** Short, I know, but there is a LOT more to this day. I mean…dinner, meeting Kyla and Ashley Marie…everything! Oh and the song that is inspiring this entire chapter is 18th Floor Balcony by Blue October. **  



	6. Chapter 5 part two

**Sorry no FOF.  
I promise next time!  
I love you guys and all the feedback you give me inspires me to write soo much. So, please keep it coming!**

A/N: These things ( ) around text when someone is talking are the words that Spencer can't make out by reading lips. She explains in this chapter what she can and can't read. So, I was going to leave the words out on it's own so we can really get a grasp on how Spencer is feeling, but I decided to help you guys out a little.

The song that inspired this chapter and some of the writing is Blue October's 18th Floor Balcony. Great song, I recommend you check it out while/after reading this chapter.

Another 15 pages for you wonderful guys.

I am not too happy about this chapter, but I will leave it to you guys to decide.

I wanted to give you guys a lot of fluff causes…well you'll see.

OOO, and pictures of Ripley and Ashley-Marie are in here, just click on their name.

********

Chapter Five.  
Part Two.

My eyes keep drifting close.

Yet, sleep was no where near.

I smile knowing that everything is alright.

_  
She had parked the car several minutes ago. We have been sitting here staring at each other in comfortable silence._

We each had millions of thoughts running through our heads and just taking a few minutes to ourselves helped to slow down those thoughts.

It took me the entire hour and a half at the café to convince myself that this is real.

The way she looked at me was not even close to innocent. It never was innocent to be honest.

As our gazes held each other's I could feel the intensity of the electrical connection. It was shooting through us in a white hot spark. We were diving into each other's soul head first into something that could be the greatest love of all…or potentially extremely dangerous.

I traced the outline of her lips with my gaze.

My normal teenage mind was turned off and the true Spencer was breaking free.

It would be an understatement to say I liked her.

"What is this?" I thought aloud.

She smiled softly, "I'm thinking the same thing."

My face went serious, "But how?"

She shook her head, "I don't know."

She turned in her seat and got comfortable before continuing, "I mean, it is obviously there. Last night, at the concert, when our eyes connected something) happened.

"Before the concert (while I was waiting) to walk out, I felt this tugging. It was weird but it felt like my soul was trying to grasp something that wasn't there. 

"Then…when our eyes met…it felt like the whole world finally made since to me. My soul found what it was looking for in your eyes and it'll kill me if I don't do anything about it." 

Our eyes held each other's.

"But it's too…" I began.

"Soon?"

I nodded my head. There are so many different factors in play right now.

A major one being she is a _**fucking rock star who I met last night!**___

How do you deal with stuff like this?

How do you come to terms with unreal situations?

I mean, I am just an obsessed high school fan who was lucky enough to get to go to her concert.

I was lucky enough to sit front roll.

I was lucky enough to meet eyes with her.

I was lucky enough to be invited into her dressing room to meet her.

I was lucky enough to sit here with her.

I was blessed enough to have this girl.

I can't help but think 'Why would she want me?"

I could sit here for hours going over reasons and laying out my insecurities. I could sit here and talk about how I am just an inexperienced girl who is sitting next to the Playgirl of the year.

But why?

Why do I have to question this?

"This (is very) soon," She said turning completely to me.

I had to put some words into her sentence because some words I can't read from her lips.

Did I ever say I'm not the biggest fan of reading lips? Well, I'm not to be completely honest.

"Can you honestly deny our connection?" She asked me, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"No," I said quickly. "It's so…vibrant."

She laughed nodding her head, "Exactly." 

Her face lit up in this laugh, full of life and happiness. 

I noticed something. Usually people's eyes or forehead will crease with laughter, signifying years of laughter. It is one of the things I notice immediately with people.

She didn't have those lines.

"What would you like to do about this?" She said with a raise of an eyebrow.

"I really don't know." I said feeling small. I never had been in a relationship before. 

Her face got softer, "How about we go slow?"

"Very slow."

"Whatever is comfortable for you. But…" Her lips began moving too fast to read.

I can tell that this communication thing will become an issue. I can read a good amount of her words, but about twenty percent is me adding in the missing words.

I know that we communicate with more then words, but times like these when all that matters is words…it's frustrating. 

"Umm…" I interrupted.

"Huh?" She asked?

I smiled shyly, "Sorry, can you repeat what you just said? I'm sorry, I couldn't catch it."

She smiled, she wasn't angry at all. "Sure, whenever you need me to slow down or stop just tell me. I won't get mad or anything."

My body relaxed, "I know, but I don't want you to get frustrated."

"Me? I would think you would get frustrated."

"I'm used to it."

She smiled sadly, "How about these…we both will get frustrated sometimes but let's try to keep our cool and tell each other. I'm not going to lie, I am not the most patient person. I can get frustrated easily, but I would never get angry towards you. It isn't your fault. Plus, I need to learn some patience anyway." 

I chuckled, "Thanks."

She smiled brightly, pleased with my answer.

"So, what were you saying before?"

Her smile faded back to a normal face. "It will be hard…us."

I nodded my head in agreement.

She continued, lips in my view and talking at a normal pace. "Are you out?"

I nodded my head. Drawing out my answer, I said, "Yeah…well to my family I am. If anyone else asks I won't lie, but I also I'm not running in the middle of the quad screaming 'I'm Gay!'. "

This caused us both to laugh. I finished off seriously, "I don't like to hide unless it is absolutely needed." 

She nods her head, "But do you know the repercussions of being a girlfriend of a rock star?"

I froze.

One, I was barely on the page of the term 'girlfriend'. I had NO problem with the term, but I'm not entirely used to it.

Two…I forgot for that tiny moment she is a world known, overly famous, loved by probably billions, rock princess.

She has been in the spot light since she was conceived. Her parents did a great job keeping pictures and videos out of the media, but it doesn't mean her name wasn't in it.

"I…I…umm…yeah…It would take a while to get used to it." I answered softly.

She became completely serious, "Would it be completely selfish to hide you for a while?"

I tilted my head, "Explain."

"I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean hide you from (the public…the) media. I want you to gradually get used to it…to this." Her smile got bright again. "But I will _**not**__ hide you from my family."_

I laughed at that. I loved how she was completely serious one moment and then bright the next second. It was completely adorable.

"You know, your laugh (has to be the) best sound I have ever heard…wait, well a tie with your voice." 

I could feel my face blush, "Really?"

She nodded her head eagerly. "It's truly beautiful. I thought people who are deaf have speech impediments but…your voice is heavenly."

I could feel the blush get brighter, "Thank you."

We sat there for a moment soaking it all in.

"So, ummm, where are we at now?" I asked, breaking the silence.

There it is, this gorgeous bright and teeth showing grin. "I don't know. What do you think, Ms. Carlin?"

Without thinking, my soul spoke, "I wanna try it." 

How could I possibly fall asleep when all I can see is her? All I think about is her.

She is an angel who I can't forget and a thought that gets into your body and infects everything like a welcomed virus.

__

"Hey!" A vibrant girl said as we walked into the loft.

The 18th floor penthouse loft was owned by both Ashley and Kyla. Ashley was only home this last year barley six months, but she always had a home to come back to.

She found herself lucky to be able to come home to her little sister, her brother in law and niece.

We had stepped into an open room that had to be four times my house. It held the kitchen and dining area to the left, the living room in the center, and to the right is a line of doors on the wall to different rooms.

I stood next to Ashley as she asked how her sister was.

"I am good, thanks for taking them last night. I really needed some sleep." Kyla said to her.

I watched the close interaction between both girls.

Kyla, a petite girl, was just as beautiful as Ashley. I think Ashley said she was six months younger than her. It didn't matter, I could see the Davies characteristics written all over her. The brown soulful eyes, the charming smile, the beautiful features...scream sisters.

"Kyla, I would like you to meet Spencer, Spencer this is my little sister Kyla." Ashley said motioning between us.

I smiled at her, "Very nice to meet you."

She nodded her head, "Same here, all Ashley talked about in the last day was Spencer this and Spencer that."

I looked over at Ashley and then turned back to Kyla, "Really?"

Kyla nodded her head, "Yup, it took me everything to get her to shut up."

Ashley had a scowl on her face as though her little sister was embarrassing her.

Kyla ignored it, "So, she said you were deaf?"

I can tell Kyla was going to be a pretty blunt person. I liked that in people.

I nodded my head.

"Cool, finally someone I can sign with."

My eyes got wide, "You sign?"

She nodded her head, "I double majored in college…well before I dropped out in ASL and Theatre."

"Well, that is really good to hear. There is like, no one around here to sign with."

"Are you more comfortable signing."

I nodded my head.

I could feel Ashley's eyes on me as we continued our conversation, turning to sign quickly. It was sometimes during our five minute discussion on how signing was finally becoming more popular that Ashley excused herself.

I was about to say something, but her soft lips collided with my cheeks for a second before going off to where she was headed.

I froze for a millisecond. I was astonished at the short moment of contact.

Kyla noticed it and smiled. She looked around the room for Ashley before dishing on her in sign. 

"Yeah, she wouldn't stop talking about this connection she felt with you during the concert. She was almost freaked out how strong it was. She was still talking about it to when I went and laid down." Kyla explained with a huge smile on her face.

I blushed, "Really?"

"Absolutly, it's amazing."

"Why?"

"Umm…let's just say Ashley hasn't had the best last couple years."

That was all she said before giving me a short tour of the loft.

What did she mean by that?

Remember how I said I could read between her lyrics?

Well, I sort of figured out that she hadn't had the easiest life. I also figured out that sometime a couple years ago she went completely M.I.A. but she still produced and recoded albums. 

To her fans it was called the 'unknown' period every artist goes through.

People suspected she went into rehab cause before those years she was a huge partier with an even bigger reputation. You could tell from her earlier albums that she was. 

Sex and rock n' roll.

The albums that she sent out during this unknown period were the beginning of her 'folk' singing career. It was when she began to work with Ani DiFranco and Tori Amos. Her music was a lot softer and deeper.

Then when she resurfaced her music was something new entirely, a mix of everything.

I am suddenly intrigued, wanting to know everything about the brunette who I am so connected to.

Someone came into my view.

It was a tall, well muscled man with floppy dark brown hair. He had a huge smile on his face and dark brown eyes.

He said 'hey' to me before bending over to give Kyla a short kiss.

Kyla leaned around him as he sat on the edge of the couch in front of her.

"Spencer, this is my boyfriend, Aiden." She spoke and signed at the same time. "Aiden, this is Ashley's Spencer."

His eyes widened before brightening his smile, "Nice to meet you."

I smiled back, "You too."

"There she is," Kyla said looking behind me.

I turned my gaze back to the doors of rooms.

Ashley was walking out of one carrying the newborn I had recently seen in the picture in her dressing room. She had the small baby swaddled in a light green blanket.

To my surprise, a toddler was following her with a light blue blanket in one hand and a light blue pacifier in her mouth.

A smile rose on my lips as the tiny child tripped over her blanket, but quickly rose following Ashley. 

Ashley smiled at me proudly, "This is my little nieces." 

I tilted my head, "Wow, I thought you just had one."

I tried to remember if Ashley had added that 's' on the end as she told me several times of Ashley-Marie's arrival. I could have read her lips wrong. It wasn't such a big deal.

Kyla came over to retrieve the small newborn, "She has two."

"Oh, sorry I could have read your lips wrong. I just didn't see any pictures of her with the other ones last night."

Ashley smiled suddenly, "Kyla hasn't given me any new ones."

I nodded my head and then turned to Kyla, "Well, your daughters are gorgeous."

She smiled and signed, "Thank you."

I looked at the small infant first. She had dark brown hair like her parents. Her little nose looked just like Aiden's but other then that her face was all Kyla. Her skin was a soft sun kissed color, a little darker then her mother's. She was wrapped tightly in the green blanket keeping her warm and swaddled.

"_Ashley-Marie__, right?" I said pointing to her._

Kyla nodded.

Then I looked toward the small toddler with a smile. She had found her way to Ashley's legs, holding onto one of them with the arm that is holding her blanket. She had chestnut colored hair and big almond shape russet colored eyes. She had paler features and didn't really resemble any of her parents, but she was one of the most beautiful babies I ever see.

Ashley reached down and picked up the toddler. She smiled brightly, "This darling here is _Ripley__."_

I smiled at the little girl, "Hello Ripley."

She smiled at me before turning her head into Ashley's shoulder.

I turn to Kyla, "She is adorable."

"Thank you. She's a great kid."

Ashley nodded her head, "The best. Right kid?"

Ripley nodded her head, "Mhm, Mim."

I smiled and looked to Ashley, "Mim?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "Ky's idea."

I smiled.

I looked between the smiling adults.

They weren't so bad.

My eyes went back to Ripley.

The smiling child meeting mine. 

There was something in her eyes.  


I turn over on my stomach, feeling a little uneasy.

I feel as though I have a thought in the back of my head, but I couldn't exactly think of it.

I tossed back over, getting a little frustrated that I couldn't sleep.

Then it happened.

I saw my cell light up on my bedside table.

Who would call me?

I picked it up and saw that it was Ashley. I smiled and picked it up. 

"I can't exactly hear you." I said.

Two seconds later there was a text.

**I kno.**

"Umm…"

**I called bc I needed u wit me.**

My soul melted. "Same here."

There was silence.

"Sing to me?"

She did, I could feel the vibrations softly against my ear. She was singing something new, but it was the most beautiful thing she has ever sung.

__

The night sky was lit up with all the lights of Los Angeles.

It didn't matter, it was peaceful.

Dinner was so fucking funny!

I found out that Ashley and Kyla had no cooking experience what so ever. Aiden had been the one who cooked all the time.

Well, I offered to help Aiden cook while both girls sat on the floor with Ripley playing blocks and Kyla feeding Ashley-Marie.

Ripley decided she was bored with the blocks and came over to us. I easily picked her up and let her help me stir the pasta noodles. The 19th month old girl was beyond happy to help me.

To my amazement Kyla used some sign with her and it was very easy for her to communicate with me.

We all put the kids asleep.

They had two nurseries, one off of one room and another off another.

Ashley told me they set it up like that since the new arrival of the baby. She wanted to help Kyla as much as she can and knew the baby would keep both her and Aiden up, so she moved Ripley's nursery to the free room off of her's.

After around eight thirty both parents headed off to bed.

And this is how I ended out here with Ashley.

We were out on the balcony.

We were sitting on the ground looking up at the sky, my head found it's way to lie on her stomach. Her hand had taken my hair out of it's pony tale and was now running it's way softly through it.

I could easily fall asleep right here, but I didn't let myself.

"So, what's your family like?" She asked in my view.

I looked at her and smiled, "Crazy."

"Really?"

I nodded my head.

"How?"

I sat up and turned to face her. "Well, my dad is the best person ever. He was the one who taught me everything I know. He has always loved me no matter what. He accepted me for who I am. Even when mom wanted me to get that surgery, for I could hear, when I was a baby, he stood his ground saying that I was already perfect. He's just…he's my hero."

She smiled softly at me. "Really?"

"Really, he's always there with love, acceptance, and to teach me about life. I could never survive without him."

"Your mom?"

I sighed, "Not the best person ever."

"Why?"

"Because she is the exact opposite of my father. Her eyes are dull with disappointment and disgust, and the only way I can ever see love in her gaze is when she is either looking at old pictures or if she is there long enough for me to look deeply into her eyes."

"I'm sorry," she said with a face of anguish.

I smiled sadly, "She'll come around one day."

"How do you do that?" She asked suddenly, her face confused.

"What?"

"Be so optimistic about life? Everything you do…you always find the good. I mean like has been pretty shitty toward you from what I can tell…but you still think it is such a beautiful thing." Her eyes held something that hurt me. She held pain somewhere deep inside that needed to be healed and I highly doubt I will be able to know about it for a while.

I smile at her, my soul taking over my body. A hand moved to her cheek, caressing it. "Life isn't fair, but that doesn't mean I have to live on its terms. Why waste time focused on all the negativity when there is so much beautiful in the world also."

"Like what?"

"The way the sun hits you creates this halo effect, making you seem angelic. Ripley's smile is so gorgeous and reminds me so much of yours, free and whimsical. Kyla's natural charismatic attitude and Aiden's protector persona. Even how Ashley-Marie's face scrunches up when she is about to cry for a feeding. All of that is beautiful."

She looked at me amazed. "How do you see all that?"

I smiled at her, "Because it's too beautiful to miss."

"After so much hate, you can't even start to see the beautiful." Her face had fallen and this was a complete different side of her that I haven't seen.

She looked like she was remembering a world that she had used to live in.

I moved to where I was sitting on my knees. I lifted her face to mine, "Stand up."

She followed the order and I stood with her. I moved toward the balcony and held onto the rail. I turned toward her and then looked back out there.

"Life is such a fickle thing, but we are the ones who get to choose how to preserve it."

I looked at her before continuing, "Will you make me a promise?"

Her eyebrow raised, "What?"

A smile tugged on my lips, "We just met each other, this is so new. It's so surreal, yet it's happening. Make a promise that we can just start over…our lives…and make it beautiful."

"It's not that easy, Spencer." She said, the first time my name rolling off her lips.

My smile stayed in place, my head tilted to the side. "Why?"

"It's not that easy."

"Why?"

"Because it isn't."

I looked her in the eyes, my eyebrow raised before saying it once more. "Why?"

Her eyebrows furrowed.

She was getting frustrated.

I lifted my hand to caress her cheek. "We make it hard, don't you get it?"

She was about to say something, then stop.

She looked at me and then laughed. 

She actually laughed.

I smiled at her.

She looked at me, laughter still on her face. "Wow, I didn't know I had a therapist as a girlfriend."

I joined in with her, "Well, you know how it is."

She smiled, "You're right though. There is no reason to not make the promise."

My face went back to normal, "Just try, that's all I'm asking."

She nodded her head before turning out to look out at the city. The wind was beginning to pick up and we both grabbed onto the railing.

My left hand overlapping her right.

Her hand, so soft and gentle, grasped mine.

Then it happened, her lips on mine. 

That is the moment when it truly began.

That is the moment I fell in love.

That is the moment change dramatically…and it would never be the same. 

As I finally drifted asleep, I was back on the 18th floor balcony with her, we're both flying away.

**Yay! The end of that LONG chapter.**

What do you think so far?

Mmm?


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is a quick update. I am sitting in Multi Media class for 3 hours and nothing to do, so I decided to write this. It's a little rushed and mostly just a filler, but I hope you guys like it.**

Chapter Six.

**Mornin** was the first text that I woke up to. It was sent almost an hour before I woke up.

As I was making my way to the kitchen I wrote back, **Mornin ur up early**.

To be honest, I didn't know what time she woke up.

I had it in my head that she would be the type to wake up later in the day, wanting to get every ounce of sleep possible due to a late night staying up and doing other things.

As I took a seat at the island I got a reply.

I looked down at my iPhone and smiled, **Had meeting studio**.

**Fun.**

"Are you texting Francesca?" Dad signed to me with one hand as he sat some fresh fruit in front of me.

I smiled at him picking up a slice of a peach, "No, a new friend."

He leaned against the counter, "Really? That's great! What's their name?"

I smiled down and looked at my phone, she had replied back.

"Ashley," I said typing in my reply back to her.

My Dad's smile widened even more, "That is really good honey. I was worried that this move would be really hard on you."

I frowned for a second before coming back to a normal face. "It is sorta hard to be honest."

It was the truth. The only person I really know is Francesca. It was really hard to make friends in High School, even hard if you are new and extremely hard if you are deaf. People see that as a way to think I am less of a person then them, and that means that I don't deserve the time of day.

High school wasn't the best place if you are a social reject, but it becomes better with the few close friends you have.

Dad furrowed his eyebrows, "I knew it would be hard on you. If we haven…"

I stopped him, "Dad, it may be hard but **believe** me when I say that this move was the best thing that **ever** happened in my life."

He smiled at me, "Does that have anything with this Ashley you are texting?"

I could feel my face flush and I ducked my head shyly for a moment.

I knew that right now wasn't the best time to tell Dad that I am talking about **the** Ashley.

One, the fact that it is the morning and I wasn't to much awake to have that sort of talk with him.

It was also super new to me and I am still getting used to the detail I was technically the girlfriend of someone I met barley thirty hours ago.

"Dad," I said composing myself. "I just think it's a lot more open here in L.A."

He nodded his head understanding where I was hinting out. "Of course, honey. As long as you're happy then so am I."

I smiled at him before getting the text from Francesca saying she pulled up.

"Gotta go, Daddy, see you later." I said kissing him on his cheek before running out the front door to Francesca's car.

"So, where were you yesterday?" Francesca asked me on our way to our green one class.

"Just sleeping," I replied so easily.

"God, I wanted too but Mom and Dad dragged me to the country club yesterday."

"Sounds fun," I said taking a seat at my desk and turning to look at her.

She grinned, "Okay, now, tell me everything that happened the other night in Ashley Davies' dressing room."

I grinned at that thought.

I never really told her about what went on between us. That spark of electricity that flowed through our eyes during the concert, the short but intimate talk in the dressing room, the spending the whole day with her yesterday.

I sorta liked keeping this secret my own.

"Oh, it was just a meet and greet." I explained. "She thanked me for coming to her concert and told me to come to more. She asked me what I thought about it and then that's when I left."

Francesca's eyes beamed with excitement, "God, you are so fucking lucky!"

I smiled cheekily, "Indeed."

She laughed at my silliness and then hurried and dug around in her oversized purse. "I got something for you while you was eyeing up Ms. Davies."

I smiled at her and watched her pull out a t-shirt. She handed the shirt to me and I examined it. It was an official concert tee for Ashley's unplugged even. It was nicely designed.

"Thank you," I said before pulling the shirt over my head to cover the pink tank I was wearing.

She smiled, "Perfect."

I watched her turn in her seat, figuring that class was now starting. I follow suit and pull out my iPhone. I hide it behind my bag that lay across my desk.

She wrote, **Wat up?**

**Class, eww. U?**

**Yea, don't miss skool.**

**I kno! O, guess wat?**

**Wat?**

**I'm wearing ur concert tee.**

**rly?**

**yup**

**God I luv being on ur chest.**

I couldn't help but burst out laughing at that.

All eyes where on me.

I guess I should get used to it.

**Yeah…meaningless chapter really but oh well. **


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here comes the angst people, get ready cause it will strike…pretty damn hard.  
Here is more secrets of Spencer's past.**

Chapter Seven. 

I sat on the balcony soaking up the sun.

It really was peaceful here.

I was lucky. I couldn't hear the horrible sounds of cars in traffic and people screaming. It was just perfect.

I decided this is the best place out of the loft. Well, given that I haven't been in any of the rooms, it is one of the best places.

This would make the sixth day that I have known Ashley.

This would make it the fifth day that I officially was her girlfriend.

This would make it the sixth day that I have finally found a certain happiness that I have never felt.

Ashley was inside on the phone with someone from the record company. She had been on the phone with him for the last hour arguing about some sort of special appearance on a show. I decided to come out her to give her some privacy.

We have gotten close over the last five day.

Freakishly close.

The first couple days she was busy and we couldn't hang out. So, those days were filled with text messages and aim conversations.

Then, Wednesday, she texted me that Kyla would pick me up from school and that I was going to hang out at the loft with her.

I made no objections to the demand.

Kyla continued to pick me up everyday at 2:35. She would tell me a little about Ashley, but leaving out certain parts that would reveal all of her secrets.

She told me as much while still telling me as little where I couldn't piece the suddenly clear puzzle that was Ashley Davies' past.

When we would make it back to the loft we all would spend time together.

Aiden telling stories from their high school days. Kyla would tell stories about how when she was pregnant she was completely eccentric (which she still is). Ashley would talk about outrageous tells of being on tour.

When it came to me I stayed quiet.

I would always come back with questions for them so I wouldn't have to answer any of theirs. I wasn't completely with the secrets of my past. The secrets that are kept hidden for a reason.

Sometimes when they begged I told them the stories of happy memories. The ones that is easily stored safely in the front of my brain. They were stories of how Dad taught me to play some instruments or how mom taught me to paint.

Some of my favorites where of just having family night when I was little. It was a time that it was just the five of us. We cooked dinner, ate dinner, played some board games all together.

Those are the memories that are aloud to float around my head.

"Hey," Ashley tapped on my shoulder getting my attention.

My mind had been so far away and my gaze had been looking out at the ocean.

I smiled at her standing up, "Hey."

Her smiled immediately came to her lips, wiping out all my negative thoughts.

"Sorry, they wouldn't let me go." She apologized.

"It's alright, I needed some thinking time." I said following her back into the loft.

"Anything I can know about?" She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Nothing really important."

She nodded her head, "I understand."

My smile turned serious, "It's nothing about you…"

Her hand went up to my face, "I completely understand. You know though, whenever you are ready I will always listen."

I nodded my head.

I was still amazed how exactly strong this connection is. It was overwhelming strong and the feeling didn't lessen at all. In fact, it only got deeper and stronger.

Her eyes looked in the direction of the rooms. "The kids are awake from their nap." She informed me.

I nodded my head, "What me to get one of them while you get the other?"

She smiled, "Thanks, I will get Ripley and be (out in about five) minutes. Can you get Ashley-Maire?"

I began walking toward the room I figured out was the little girl's. "Already on it." I throw over my shoulder.

Ashley had volunteered to watch the girls the few hours Aiden and Kyla needed her to. Since she didn't have to do any work for a couple weeks she was the first choice to watch the girls. Of course, she had no objections.

Kyla immediately went back to work after she got home. She worked from four to eight at Los Angeles Arts Theatre with child actors. While she went to work there, Aiden had classes until three and then coached a high school team until seven leaving a three hour gap were neither of them wouldn't be home.

I walked into Ashley-Marie's room.

It was lit up by the sun streaming through the windows and the light green walls were calming.

It was brilliantly designed and had the normal nursery things.

The tiny baby was awake, her eyes focused on the ceiling. She was wiggling around a little bit.

I smiled and picked her up, checking to see if her diaper needed changed. She didn't so I cradled her in my arms.

I smiled down always loving children.

She was so adorable and I could simply see both Kyla and Aiden in her.

I quietly walked out of the room heading for the living room.

Ashley hadn't come out yet.

I smiled and slowly made my way to the cracked door of Ripley's nursery. I was curious what the room looked like because it was a place that Aiden said Ashley and Kyla spent the most time in when I wasn't here. He never elaborated on it but I figured that it was because it had all the things to keep both children entertained.

I slowly cracked the door of the room looking in.

I just watched… taken aback. 

I could see her lips moving softly. She was most likely singing to the hungry little girl.

I would just think she was doing what any other caregiver would do for a child.

Yet, other caregivers didn't breastfeed.

I had heated up a bottle from the fridge for Ashley Marie. The infant's lips began smacking as I quietly walked away from the room.

I took a seat in one of the oversized low seating chairs in the living room and began to feed the little girl.

I should have known, figured it out quickly.

Still, I was too wrapped up with the fact that my girlfriend was Ashley Davies.

It all added up.

Ripley had barley any resemblance to her parents.

Ashley had gone M.I.A. for that short time a couple years ago.

But why? Why would she hide her child? It is obvious she loves that girl. But why?

This was one piece of the puzzle, but I knew there had to be a lot more pieces to figure out before I knew everything.

A couple minutes later my eyes caught hold of the door opening and Ashley coming out with Ripley on her hip.

She smiled at me, "Hey, beautiful."

Her smile never ceased to amaze me, "Hey."

She takes a seat across from me letting Ripley down who quickly went to her blocks that had been left out.

"Want me to take her?" Ashley asked pointing toward the hungry infant in my arms.

I shook my head. "I got her."

Ashley smiled and sits back in the chair, getting comfortable.

"What do you tell your parents where you are at when you come here?" Ashley asked suddenly curious.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I tell my dad that I am with a friend."

"What about your mom?"

"She's to busy to care." I said sadly.

Ashley noticed my face fall at the mention of my mother.

I watched her get up and come to sit next to me on the chair. She faced me and smiled softly.

This was the first time I noticed how her eyes held the secrets of the world. She looked worn down and filled of knowledge of how bad the real world is.

"Is she that bad?" She asked, her hand coming up rest on my knee, massaging it through the material.

I shrugged, "I'm used to it. It's like she doesn't even no me. Like she wants nothing to do with me."

My words were probably only above a whisper, but she understood.

My first time letting a secret loose.

My first time trusting her.

Maybe she will feel the same way.

"God, I understand. That was how my mom was. Yet, she would always leave for months of a time and I never seen her. When I did she never missed a moment to tell me how much of a disappointment and whore I was," she said, letting it all roll off her tongue as if it was too easy to say.

She looked like she was completely okay with it.

"That's horrible."

"Life is cruel."

"But..."

She continued, "The way I was raised was really…bad. I wasn't the best person for the first eighteen years of my life. When I came into the music business I only got worse. Sometimes I blame my mom for being such a horrible mother, but other times I think she is right."

She looked at me with sad eyes, "It really did a toll on me, you know? I **never** want to have kids. I mean what she did to me, taught me; I could never do to my kids… life is just too cruel."

I sat there for a minute and thought.

I could continue this thinking of everything is cruel and horrible.

But how can I when I am sitting next to her?

This moment, the two of us here, is a sign that like isn't cruel. Yes, at times it really blows, but it's not life that is cruel…but the people.

I smile at her for a moment before placing a quick and innocent kiss on her cheek, the first since our kiss on the balcony.

I leant to whisper in her ear, "Its okay, you have me now to make it better."

I'm not going to sit here and lie.

Sometimes we have to understand that what happens in life is cruel.

I understood that at such an early age.

I wasn't so accepting of being deaf when I was little. When I was seven I went through a stage where I was mad at everyone and everything.

I was so frustrated that I couldn't hear and I was so angry that I was different.

It is hard to imagine a seven year old girl that angry, but I was.

Fuming, actually.

There was this one time I ran away from my brothers while we were out at Gramps farm. My hair was blowing in the cool breeze and my dress fluttered between my legs as I ran freely.

That moment of complete anger rose suddenly in my little body, and I felt the need to do something dramatic.

I couldn't hear them chasing after me. Obviously.

There was an electrical fence.

I saw what it could do to a four hundred pound cow, and then I thought it would be the best way for me.

I can't really explain my seven year old mindset on the logic of it, but as thousands of volts of electricity ran through my body, I thought it was the smartest idea ever.

I was in the hospital for two weeks after that.

It was the best time ever.

My mother didn't leave my side.

She was the perfect mother for those two weeks.

That is why that somewhere deep inside I believe that she loves me the same way as then.

Of course when I left the hospital the doctors sent me to a Psycaratist and Therapist.

They noticed by the time I was fourteen I had a mood disorder.

They diagnosed me with bi-polar.

I say that my upbeat and positive attitude happened that first time I heard Ashley Davies' album and read the lyrics.

Someone finally understood me.

So, to be completely honest, I learned everything that I told her that night a week ago…from her.


	9. Chapter 8

**Thank you so much for the feedback!  
It means so much to me.**

A/N: Hey guys. Not feeling too well right not, sort of on the same page Spencer is right now 'emotionally' wise. I like to add some of my characteristics to the character and well, Spencer got my bipolar and even though I am dealing well with it with both medication and natural healing I still have my days  Yet, today I had to stick it out through a Anxiety and Panic Attacks  But you guys are lucky! Teacher still out!

Anyway, sorry, here is your chapter. More to the story.

Chapter 8 

My phone was vibrating violently above my head as I laid there on my side staring at the painting above my desk.

It was one of **those** days.

You know those days where you feel like crawling inside yourself and never come out to the world? Those days where all you can do is lie down and shut yourself off from the world?

Well, today is one of those days…times ten.

Usually these days came randomly, not immune to the psychiatric drugs prescribed to me.

No, today is my own self doing.

When I got home from Ashley's last night, still completely in shock of my discovery, I decided to write.

To me, writing is my drug and once I start it is hard to stop. So, by the time it was twelve I went downstairs to get me a cup of coffee with Red Bull to help keep my writing mood high. The combination of the caffeine high and refusing to take my medicine kept me up all night.

Around two, Ashley messaged me on aim asking if I couldn't sleep. The rock star was curious at why I was currently wide awake on a school night.

I told her I was writing. She told me that she didn't know that I wrote. Then I suggested that we should get to know the basics.

For the next couple hours we got to learn more about each other. The connection between us might be strong, but we still needed to get to know more about each other. It was pivotal to any relationship.

She told me her favorite color was glamour red and that she would always watch the Lion King as a kid and sung wildly to the songs, driving her nanny crazy.

I told her that I was overly torn between pink and green, and I used to spend hours locked away in my room either writing or painting.

She told me she only seen her father two hundred and eight days since she was eight.

I told her about the time when I was nine and Glen accidentally pushed me out of the tree and then he cried over the guilt that he had hurt his little sister.

She told me she had been in a ton of relationships and never felt what she felt with me.

I told her I never been in any kind of relationship and this connection both amazed and scared me.

She told me that she wasn't the easiest person to be with.

I replied that I wasn't either.

She told me she was scared to get too close.

I told her I was terrified.

She told me she didn't want to loose me.

I told her that won't ever happen.

She told me to promise.

I told her that I swear.

That's how I got here.

I was laying in bed pulling the covers over my head and cuddling up in my warmth.

I had went to school this morning only to call my dad five minutes later. By the time I got into his car I was at the beginning of an overwhelming anxiety attack.

"Breathe," My dad signed to me.

I took deep long breaths, trying to stop my constant thoughts.

For me, I was on such a high by the time I got to school I had suddenly dropped and smashed into the ground.

My dad dropped me off, apologizing for having to go to work.

My mother was home when I came in. She had walked in wondering why I was back home, her face hard with conviction.

She saw the fat tears slide down my face creating small rivers streaming down my flushed cheeks.

Her heart immediately softened, and her face showed it.

I think it is my intense vulnerability that reminds her that I am just a little girl in need of her mother.

I feel so small like this.

Yet, this is one of the best times for me.

My mother hugged me and rubbed my back soothing me. She asked me what was wrong and I honestly told her about last night. Well, keeping the Ashley part out of it.

"Darling, you know you shouldn't have done that." She signed.

When I'm like this she took time to sign.

I told her that I know and all I wanted to do is go to sleep.

She sent me upstairs with a kiss on my forehead and a 'I love you.'

This is still hope with her.

That's how I got here.

The phone was annoyingly vibrating.

I picked up the iPhone and read the four text messages waiting.

** Where were u? Ky didn't find u.**

Bby, U alrite?

It 5, u havn't tx me bk

Going to NYC 4 major deal. B bk Sunday nite. Ky wants u 2 tx her

My heart fell.

If I never came home today I would have been able to see Ashley before she left.

Also, we planned on this weekend to get to know each other more. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we could learn how to trust each other.

We both knew we have secrets.

We both knew we wanted to tell them to each other.

We both knew we were too scared to.

I sighed and sat up in my bed against the headboard.

I texted her back, **Have fun! I'll Miss u!**

She replied, **Miss U more! 3 **

I smiled at the little heart following her message.

I had felt better after getting some sleep and just her simple words made me fell even better.

Next, I texted Kyla.

** "Hey! Sry I didn't text U. Wasn't feeling 2 hot this morning."**

"O its ok! How u doin?"

"Better! Sorta sad won't c Ash."

"Yea she was vry sad bout that."

"Aww!"

"So, since she didn't get notice bout it I am w/o bbysitter."

"U kno Im here."

"Lol thx!"

"When?"

"An hour. 2nites Aid's bro's bday."

"No prob."

It just turned seven.

I had to put the girls down at eight thirty.

I must say, since I came here I begin to feel like myself…fell optimistic and up beat.

I don't know if it was because of the kids who are wonderful. Even Ashley Marie, who is a fucking newborn didn't even cry once.

Or it could be because I was in Ashley's home and it made me close to the girl.

I had just given both girls a bath and we were playing in the living room with the radio on. I was sitting on the floor with Ripley, playing blocks. I had Ashley-Marie in a sling that Kyla was so persistent on me wearing. I didn't mind, I think it is a lot better choice.

I got up signing to Ripley that I am getting their bottles ready.

She nodded her head in complete understand and went back to building what is suppose to be a house. I was happy with Kyla for teaching the girl how to sign. Her vocabulary was bigger then I thought.

I went to the fridge to get out the milk for both girls.

Kyla told me that Ripley still had a bottle, refusing to stop breastfeeding.

It was understandable for her to be that way for a number of reasons. One, she is only 18 months and even though in America's society that is too old, in every other culture it is widely accepted. It was still healthy for her body and great for her mind and mental health.

Also, I think it was an attachment issue.

As I got into the fridge to get out the bags of milk it suddenly hit me just how much I was out of the loop. If I didn't saw what I did yesterday to confirm my suspicions then I would be very curious now.

Each bag of milk was labeled with one of the girl's names, to distinguish which bag is for whom.

I got out the milk and turned my head to stare at the little girl.

She was conscious on what she was building. The same face as the one Ashley made as a kid in the video from the concert.

I was amazed and confused at the same time.

Why would she hide her?

** Okay, what do you guys think?**

It's finally moving in a direction. To be completely honest I have no clue where I am taking this, but I am taking it somewhere.

Feedback is always welcomed…sorta needed today  


	10. Chapter 9

**Quick update.**

Thank you guys sooo much for the feedback. I have been pretty sick lately and can't give you FOF but I promise I will make up for it.

Just know that ALL of your feedback and good wishes mean the world to me!

You have no idea how much it means to me.

THANK YOU 3 3 3

Imma update Twilight today also. Check it out.

**  
Chapter Nine. **

I felt the weird tingling of someone watching me.

Their eyes looking so deeply into my vulnerable sleep that they almost can see past the invisible walls and into my soul that bears all my secrets like a glossy display case in a high school hallway.

The weird thing was that I didn't move or feel uncomfortable in any way.

These eyes seem to be alright to peel away any type of shield that I have trying to hide me.

I felt something tickle my face and at first I thought I was imagining until I smelled that unique smell.

Mmm.

Her smell.

I realized that the edge of the couch was dipped in next to me. I could fell her moving in closer.

A hand picked up mine and began to sign letters in it.

I concentrated on what she was spelling.

"You look like an angel when you sleep."

She whispered it against my ear softly as she spelt it out. 

Her tongue darted out while pronouncing each and every word.

It felt absolutely heavenly.

For a second I thought must be an angel because I don't think I have ever been this blessed in my life. For a small fraction of a moment I felt that I must be in heaven because my life has never amounted to anything like this.

I was afraid to open my eyes.

What if this was some kind of dream?

What if this past week was all but a dream? It was something that was only tangible in the world of my slumber and I couldn't even come close to touching it in reality?

I would believe it was a dream, but at the rate my heart was beating as she pulled away I knew it must be real.

My heart was jumping out of my chest.

I slowly opened my eyes.

She was the one who looked like an angel.

Her hair was falling down, creating a curtain around both our faces.

Behind her there was this beautiful morning glow from the sun. It created a brilliant halo for a beautiful angel of God's.

I don't believe I have ever been this religious before. I was always thrown into religion and demanded what to believe. Now, I can't not thank God for what he has bestowed on me.

If prayer and my soul is the price I have to pay for her then I would pay it over and over again.

This is what happens when you have an angel for a girlfriend.

The world stops beating and your heart starts living.

My eyes adjusted quickly to see a pleased smile on her face.

"Mornin'," she mouthed to me.

I smiled, "Where did you learn how to finger spell?"

She laughed, "Finger wha?"

I giggled, "Spelled the words into my palm."

"Oh, umm, Kyla picked me up this morning and I told her to start teaching me some stuff." She admitted.

Unexpectedly, both of us surprise. I moved forward and crashed my lips into her's.

A powerful kiss that none of us where expected, but both needed it as much as we needed the air we breathe.

Her hand came up to my neck and pulled me closer. The kiss easily heating up into a passionate moment of fevered temptation.

How can you explain the indescribable feelings of the thrill of the second kiss sealing this relationship.

There are no words, so I cannot describe this to you.

This moment makes me feeling like I should be a singer of soulful R&B music. Telling the world about this instant love and how my heart cannot even stop from loving her.

Love?

Wait, love?

What is this foreign word?

Could this be what people talk about? Could these overwhelming foreign feelings be the things that people sing about? Write about? Talk about?

Should I ask her?

She would know.

I can't.

I mean I don't want to scare her away.

But could it possibly be it?

I couldn't think straight anymore due to her tongue sliding across my lips demanding for entrance.

I can't, nor never will I, have the heart to deny an angel.

I haven't mastered the art of kissing and breathing. Kissing is something this entirely new to me and I had no idea it would be this addicted.

I was addicted to her.

I mentioned that I loved her smell, but did I ever mention the way she tastes?

Boy, think my grandmum's French vanilla cheesecake and my mom's brownies times a billon…still wouldn't touch it.

I had to pull away, sucking in the needed air.

She pulled back and helped me set up. She was giggling at my immediate need for oxygen.

"Hun, it's okay to pull apart for air," Her face was beginning to turn red from the giggles.

I felt my face flush. I stared up at her innocently, tilted my head, and said "Opps."

This had her face soften, "That was sooooo adorable."

That's right; I can also make her melt in the palm of my hand.

"I know," I laughed.

She shook her head and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Once she pulled apart I leaned back into the couch giving her room to sit up next to me. She kicked off her shoes before standing up on the couch. I looked up at her as she motioned for me to scoot up. I did what she said, but was confused. She stepped behind me and sat down, putting her legs on either side of me.

I smiled, getting to what she was saying, and turned halfway in her arms so that I would see her lips.

She smiled, "This alright?"

Aww, she was so considerable.

Although this is major new territory for me, I nodded my head.

It just felt right, you know?

She smiles at me and tightened her hold, letting one hand fall to the lower back and trail tiny circles on exposed skin.

"How was your weekend?" She asked.

My eyes lightened up even more…well if it was possible.

"Great! Friday night I watched the girls," I started.

"Were they good?"

I nodded my head, "Very good! I mean, Ashley Marie is the perfect newborn and she reminds me so much of Kyla, awake, aware, and already full of life."

She laughed, "I know, when I visited them at the hospital I was amazed at how aware she was."

"I know, and then Ripley…she is perfect." I said, meeting eyes with Ashley.

My soul was willing her to get what I was saying…what I knew. My soul was reaching out to her's telling her that she could tell me the truth and I would be perfectly alright with it.

I continued, "She was quiet for a while, but after a while she was this adorable little girl. I kept calling her 'Princess' and she adored it."

I watched Ashley's expression soften as I talked about the little girl.

It suddenly hit me.

She was gone most of the girl's life.

She had barely little memories with the girl that was her own.

She lives vigorously through the stories of others.

"I ended putting Ashley Marie to sleep in her Moses bed I had next to the couch and Ripley fell asleep in my arms, so her and I slept on the couch." I said smiling at the memory.

That will be something always left in my head high on the most important shelf in my memory.

"Kyla took pictures," Ashley said moving a piece of my hair.

"Really?"

Ashley nodded her head, "She always takes pictures when I am away so it's like I'm not missing out of her life, you know?"

I nodded my head.

"They are beautiful."

I smiled.

She continued, "If you don't mind…could I take some with me while I go on tour or if I have to go somewhere? I mean, one of you and her?"

My heart fell a million stories, "Of course."

She smiled and kissed my head before pulling back.

"Good."

I smiled softly.

Her eyes melted into mine.

"You're a part of my life now."


	11. Chapter 10

**Fluff, I know. I am leading it up too….**

…

Lookie here….chapter ten!  
Thank you so much for all your wonderful brilliant feedback! It means the world to me!

Chapter Ten

"You're apart of my life now."

My eyes met her in a millisecond, connecting in a silent conversation that only our souls could possibly decipher. Her eyes never left mine and I did the only thing that could top those beautiful words of her's. I had to do something that would convince her that my heart was in the same place.

I fully turned around in her arms and attacked her plump lips with mine. My hands immediately moved to her neck. I got up on my knees in between her legs not breaking our contact.

Where did this come from?

She was just as surprised by my actions as I was. After a moment, the shock fell through and her arms circled around my waste, pulling me closer to her.

I was getting really good at this kissing thing. The way her throat vibrated every time I would stick out my tongue to lick her bottom lip, and brought it into my mouth and nibbled on it drove me wild.

Her arms moved from around my waste and she put her hands on my hips. She pulled on them, bringing me even close to her.

Then it happened.

Our lips crushed together in a fit of who dominates who, are hands on each other feeling the warm soft skin, and then my knee bumped into her center.

She pulled her lips millimeters apart from my and moaned deeply.

I smiled at the reaction I got but too wary to do it again know that I wasn't even close to going all the way let alone that.

As much as I loved this heated moment, I pulled away knowing my limits.

We were both breathing hard against each other's mouths. Our lips were bruised and bee stung from the intensity of our shared kiss.

I watched her lips enjoying the slightly red, flushed, plumpness of them.

"Wow," she said panting for breaths.

"Yeah, I know." I said bringing my hand up to let my thumb run across her bottom lip. I could tell I was whispering softly by how little breath was escaping my mouth. "I am so lucky."

She smiled up at me. Her eyes were glowing with something I haven't seen from her before. It was something that people tried to Photoshop, but every time they failed miserably.

To me, it looked like love.

Didn't it?

To me, that is what love would look like.

"Why?" She asked tucking a piece of blond hair behind my ear.

I tilted my head and a quiet smile came onto my face, simple.

I leaned in to whisper into her ear. "You're an angel." I revealed to her in the simplest way I could.

I gave her soft feather light kiss on her forehead before pulling back and looking at her.

"You just don't know it yet."

We all were sitting around the kitchen island waiting for Ashley to go wake Ripley.

Aiden took on the task to begin cooking breakfast for everyone, a green apron adoring his chest and a goofy smile on his face from Kyla just leaning up and kissing his cheek.

It was so adorable…these two.

They were perfect for each other.

From what Kyla tells me they have been married for nearly a year and been together on and off since high school.

They looked like the picture of the perfect couple…because I believe they were.

Kyla sat on the stool with Mare (Ashley-Marie; I decided to give her that nickname. It's the Irish side of me coming out. Kyla thinks it's cute and even begun to use it.) in her sling hungrily nursing.

Although Kyla and Ashley are only half sisters, I can see great similarities.

Kyla was flipping through a script with her glasses on the brink of her nose. She reminded me of the first time I seen Ashley at her concert. She had been looking down at her guitar as she sung "Let Go." Her glasses were sliding down to the bridge of her nose. They both had the same look.

Kyla began signing about something in her usually erratic behavior. Since Ripley has more of Ashley's personality and demeanor. Would that mean that Mare would be like Kyla?

Whoa. I would feel sorry for anyone who will babysit her.

"So, what is your take on Attached Parenting? I mean, I can do some of it, but, geez, I need my space." Kyla signed quickly.

She was trying to take my attention away from the fact Ashley has been in the room for five minutes.

God, I wish Ashley would just tell me.

Did I ever mention I have no patience? Well, I don't!

I took a breath.

"My take?"

Kyla nodded.

"I think it is a really good benefit for the child. Of course, the parent can make time for themselves, but from that being with the kid is a good thing I think."

She smiled at me, "You will make a great mother one day."

I smiled softly.

That hit me where it counts.

All during my life I wanted to be the mother my mom isn't. I wanted to be that mother who loves her child unconditionally and who would just be there.

I want to be a great mother.

I couldn't stop the next words that flew off my fingers, "Ripley's Ashley's isn't she?"

Kyla froze, her hands in mid air. Aiden looked over, confused, by the sudden stopping in his wife's behavior.

"No, of course not," She signed hurriedly.

I gave her a look. The look that told her to not lie to me because I knew what was going on. "She doesn't have to know that I know."

Kyla's face stayed serious, "H-h-how?"

I frowned a little, "I sorta walked in on her feeding Ripley."

Her face realized what I was saying and she shook her head, "She would have told you soon anyway."

"Really?" I asked not believing her.

Telling your new girlfriend that your sister's kid is yours isn't something people tell someone soon.

Then again the connection between us compensate for time, I guess.

She nodded her head as though I should know, "She cares a **lot** about you."

A smiled tugged at my lips and she noticed it.

"She wants to tell you soon, but she needs time."

I nodded my head, "That is why I don't want you to tell her I know."

Her smiled showed vibrantly on her face, "You care a lot about her don't you?"

"Yes!"

Her face went back to serious, "Just don't hurt her. She has been though hell and back. She deservers some happiness."

I smiled, "Don't worry; I could never hurt an angel."

With perfect timing, Ashley walked out of Ripley's nursery with the small child on her hip.

The smile on my face multiplied when I saw that she was dressed in an adorable dress with a white sweater on top.

Ashley smiled at the look of my heart melting in front of her.

She came to stand by me, "Sorry I was…"

Ripley interrupted by reaching over for me. Her big brown eyes mirrored her mother's; intense and warm.

Ashley's smiled turned into a grin and handed me the little girl.

I kissed her on her forehead and signed, "Miss me?"

She nodded her head quickly, the adorable way only a child could do.

"Sleep good?"

She nodded her head.

I kept the signing to only a few words, but impressed at her fluency with it.

I need to make sure to thank Kyla for it.

Then again this is just another sign that God made Ashley and me for each other.

"Wow, I never realized how good she is." Ashley said amazed.

I nodded my head, "Sign is a lot easier for a child to catch on because they can't verbally speak at a certain age."

Kyla nodded her head, "Ripley signed her first word at two months whole it took her until three weeks ago to speak."

Ashley's eyes widened, "I didn't know she just sad her first word."

Kyla nodded her head, "Yeah, it was 'Mim'."

Ashley's face suddenly saddened. "I wish I could have heard it."

I sat adjusted Ripley on my hip and then put an arm around Ashley's waste and smiled at her.

"You was her first word. That's impressive; usually it would be something random like 'ball'." I told her giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

She smiled sadly at me.

There was something else.

A deeper sadness.

Kyla noticed it also. "What's up?"

Ashley looked down for a moment then back at Kyla. From Kyla, her eyes slowly can to focus on Ripley and me.

She spoke softly, her lips barely moving.

"Ross called me last night. Ani DiFranco and Colby Caillat are going on a four week nation wide tour…and they want me to be the main focus of it." She looked down sadly.

My smile suddenly fell.

Four weeks?

Hell, we only been together, literally been together, about four days total.

Kyla hurried and picked up her face, "Ashley! That is great! You wanted this tour since forever! Well, you wanted to tour with Ani!"

Ashley nodded her head, "But.."

I did the only thing I could…

I leaned forward and kissed her below her ear. "You will be fucking awesome and I will be here when you get back…waiting."

She smiled and brought her eyes to me.

…support my girl.


	12. Chapter 11

Special thanks to all at Your feedback means so much to me!

**Chapter Eleven.**

_ I sat on the chair in front of the window watching the sky turn bright due to the afternoon sun. It signified a good day and the perfect moment to share with someone you cared about._

"Ash," I said a loud, calling her over from putting her bags from the door.

She sat down in front of me against the window.

"Look at this view." I said nodding at the sight of the beautiful Los Angeles.

She was grinning when I looked back at her. Her chestnut colored hair looked reddish in the light. I loved how soft her eyes were. It seems since we've been together they have gotten softer with each day.

Her eyes told me stories of experience; she has seen the world and done many things; good and bad. Her eyes told me stories of sadness and misery.

Today, right now, her eyes told me stories of hope.

She tilted her head back and closed her eyes as the sun washed over her.

"You don't want to look at this view?" I pouted. I was slowly testing out different expressions and emotions to make sure I knew what ones annoyed her and the ones that didn't.

She opened her eyes and smiled, "Baby, you're the only view I'm interested in viewing."

"Spencer," Fran said, snapping me out of the memory.

I looked at her, "Huh?"

"What's your deal?" She asked annoyed.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"You've been like this all week. You have been all sad and shit." Her words held firmness, but her eyes only had concern spilt in it.

Sad?

That was an understatement.

I was more then sad, more then depressed.

The overwhelming feeling of Ashley going off on tour was upsetting. We only had these few days together and now we were being pulled apart.

It wasn't fair.

This unexplainable connection was only holding us together, but not in the good way. It was becoming so hard and painful, like being cut by the ropes that had bound us.

With this feeling added to my unpredictable moods, it resulted with inner chaotic turmoil.

Today was the same as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.

It has been like this since Sunday evening.

I felt depressed.

I felt irritated.

I felt closed off from the world and no interest what so ever to do anything.

My organs try hard to jump out of my body, not being able to take this immense sadness.

"Hey," Fran's aura was softer now, her hand on my knee. "Hun, what's wrong?"

I looked down at the table, my fingers automatically tapping away at the hard surface. "I don't know."

I lied and might I say wonderfully.

I was perfect at that. I was perfect at hiding my feelings. Hell, good enough where I think I deserve an award.

World's Best Psychotic Liar.

Has a ring to it.

"Do you feel sick?" She asked.

I nodded my head.

That was technically the truth right there.

She put her hand on my back moving closer to me.

"Common, we can skip our next classes." She was now helping me up.

I was too drained to protest.

"How about we go back to my house and take a long nap? Then we will get something that will make you feel good." She was speaking so I could easily read her lips.

This was a whole new Francesca. She was softer and nicer then her usual self.

I wasn't paying attention to us getting in the car…or driving to her house….or me breaking down….or curling up with her on her bed.

I was stuck in the moment.

__

"So, four weeks?" my head tilted a little and my eyes squinted from the sun light.

She nodded her head sadly as we sat outside the loft waiting for her driver.

"That's long," I stated.

Thank you, captain obvious.

"Yeah, but I will be back each Saturday." She said tucking a loose strand of blond hair behind my ear.

"Really?"

She nodded her head, "Mhm, I usually do that to come back and see Kyla and the kids. Well, when I am over seas it's harder to do that, but I don't go two weeks without seeing them in person."

I smiled at her. She had a true heart of gold.

"So, next Saturday?"

She smiled and looped a finger through my belt strap. "You got it, babe."

I woke up to my phone vibrating in my pocket.

I sat up, gently pushing Fran's arm and leg off of me. I gave her a look before reading the text message.

**Need hlp. Kid prob.** Kyla wrote with an urgent smiley along with it.

My heart beated and I wish I could see around the darkened room. How late was it?

** B there n twenty. ** I replied hoping that the walk from her to the loft would be quick.

I got up and left Fran a note telling her I am leaving and that I would message her on myspace.

To my surprise, the walk from her to Kyla's wasn't long.

I didn't knock on the door. I didn't know if this was a major problem or if it was just a little one, but I didn't take time to figure it out.

I walked into the room hearing loud crying from both children.

Mare was on the couch with a pillow next to her making sure she didn't roll off. Her small arms and legs were waving everywhere, kicking off the light pink blanket.

I knew she was alright, just crying out for her mother's arms.

I turned to the kitchen where Kyla and Aiden was on the floor trying to get Ripley not to move.

I furrowed my eyebrows and moved to sit next to them.

"What happened?" I said checking out the little girl, thankful that my mother was a doctor.

She had a cut above her left eyebrow, a straight thin cut that was leaking blood and probably needed stitches.

I reached up behind her to grab the hand towel and held it to the cut. She began crying harder and Aiden held her down speaking soothing words.

Then I knew why they really called me.

Her arm was bent in a very awkward way, twisted to a degree.

I looked to Kyla, who was crying hysterically, "She fell off the counter. I just went to put Mare on the couch and she fell."

Yeah, Kyla and Aiden really were first time young parents, not knowing how to deal with this. Or maybe I was just a natural at knowing what to do.

"Let me have her," I said reaching for the little girl, trying not to mess with her arm. "Aiden, go get the car ready and Kyla get a warm body ready."

I held Ripley against my chest. Her cries were slowing down to small whimpers, and the pain numbing away from her mind as I distracted her.

It didn't take long to get to the hospital.

Aiden wasn't the best…umm…driver.

Also, I think it is the father in him wording about his daughter.

Even though she might not be Kyla and Aiden's biologically doesn't mean they think of her as any less. I can see it in their eyes.

The loved the little girl no matter what their title was.

I walked into the hospital holding her to my chest.

The emergency room was packed, but I didn't care.

It **hurt** me to see her in pain.

It was worse then what I would think to see Ashley in pain.

I tapped on the doctor's shoulder.

She turned around.

"Mama, I need your help."


	13. Chapter 12

**Thank you guys so much though. It means so much.**

Chapter Twelve

"Mama, I need your help."

My mother's eyes widened as I stood there in front of her with a child held to my chest and two frantic parents behind me. She was stunned from immense confusion at why her daughter was here, and with someone's child in her arms.

"Who is this?" said the stunned voice of my mother.

Her eyes bouncing from the three of us and then to Ripley trying to figure out what was happening; trying to put pieces together.

I looked at her annoyed and a little bit pissed off. "Does it matter? She's a little girl in serious pain!"

My mother was shocked at my tone of voice; harsh and urgent.

She looked past me, "Cassy? Is there an open room?"

I turned around to catch site of a raven haired nurse trying to get someone's vitals. She was tense and frantic, her head shook quickly. "They're all full, Dr. Carlin."

My mother sighed.

She looked from me, to Kyla and Aiden, then back at me. She lowered her view and smiled sadly at the whimpering little girl. She was starting to squirm in my arms from discomfort and pain.

My mother turned around and began walking, motioning for us to follow her.

I felt bad for demanding help from her when there are a ton of people out there who are critically at risk of dying.

But she's my mom.

She's my mom, who is never home due to **those** people taking her away from me and our family.

She's my mom, who was never there for my piano recitals and art displays.

She's my mom, who always made time for Glen's basketball games and Clay's science competitions.

She's my mom, who can't even look me in the eye anymore.

Yeah, she's **my** mom.

This is the only time I have asked her for help in anyway. She was too busy to learn sign language, so I learned how to read lips. She was too busy to love me, so I had to learn to love myself.

This little girl means a lot to me, and I am asking her to respect that and help her.

I couldn't let this child endure any pain that she didn't have to.

Not because she's my girlfriend's biological daughter.

Not because she's a rock star's biological daughter.

Not because I know her.

Because she is a child who needs help.

Mom let us into the Doctor's lounge and told one of the nurses to go out and get certain materials she would need. Mom told me to sit down in the brown fold up chair and hold Ripley still on my lap.

"What's her name?" my mother asked me, going into full doctor mode.

Kyla must of spoke up behind me because Mom's head nodded in understanding.

She laid a simple, mom-like smile on her lips and softly stroked Ripley's good arm. "Hey, sweetie, can I see your arm?"

Ripley looked up at me, like any other child with a parent, her eyes asking permission.

I smiled and took off the hand towel I was holding against her cut. It had stopped bleeding for a moment, but the cut obviously needed stitches.

I signed, "It's alright."

She smiled and then looked at my mother with her vast brown eyes and tear stained cheeks.

The process was painful.

It was painful to watch.

It was painful to the little girl, who flinched and screamed.

I had to end up letting Aiden hold her down.

The tiny body thrashed around when Mom had to reset her bone.

I couldn't hear it…the bone snapping back.

I felt it though.

I felt it through Kyla's cringe.

I felt it through the small tears leaking from Aiden's eyes.

I felt it through Ripley's vibrating screams.

It was loud.

So, loud and heartbreaking.

By the time mom had finished putting the stitches in, Ripley was all cried out.

In the end, Ripley had her arm in a white cast that when up to her elbow. Above her eye, she had six stitches.

Kyla was rocking her back and forth in the back seat with Mare in her car seat.

Aiden was shaken up and was sitting in the passenger seat, tired and still shocked.

I was relaxing against the driver's seat, slowly making my way back to the loft. It was a one time thing, me driving Aiden's car, but it was needed.

We left the hospital as quick as my mother left the room when she finished fixing Ripley up.

No questions asked.

Just how I liked it.

It was late when we got back to the apartment. I had texted Dad back at the hospital with complete understanding from him.

I love that man.

He told me I could stay there tonight and he would call the school tomorrow for me.

The perfect parent.

As I walked out of Ripley's nursery with her blanket in my hand, I stopped at the sight in front of me.

My heart both aches and swoons at this site.

Aiden was sitting on the couch, Kyla curled up next to him.

Ripley was cuddled between both of her parents with Mare resting on Aiden's chest.

The moment was tending and I felt like an intruder for sitting here and watching. 

They all seemed to be asleep, exhausted from the day.

Ripley had her thumb in her mouth and curled more into Kyla's chest. She looked so small with the white cast on her arm. Yet, she looked so strong.

My eyes moved from them to Aiden, rubbing Mare's back with his fatherly hands.

I didn't know him that well, but I could tell that before he had these kids, he was probably not a family man. Looking at him now, I can see my father in him. He was already wrapped around both girl's tiny little fingers.

This was what a family looked like.

A complete family.

I can know see why Ashley probably did what she did.

At the time, she couldn't give this to Ripley. She couldn't be here to give her the love and attention she needed. If she kept her, Kyla would probably still be with her, but what if she wasn't? What if she had a nanny? I know that she wouldn't want a nanny with her daughter tonight, she would want to be here for her.

That's what Kyla and Aiden was.

They were her, what she wants to be.

Maybe…it will change.

Maybe…it won't.

Either way this little girl is loved and care for.

I felt my phone vibrate in the back of my pocket.

I looked back at the young family before taking my phone out and read the message.

**Everything ok? Kyla phone off.** Ashley had wrote.

I looked up at them.

Kyla's eyes were open and she used her free hand to sign to me, "There's room for you."

I smiled at her, slipped off my shoes, and went to lie on the couch. My head resting on Kyla's propped up leg and my body curled behind me. Ripley's little hand in my free one.

I sent the text back to her.

**Everything's perfect.**


	14. Chapter 13

** Chapter Thirteen**

"Where were you yesterday? You left without waking me up." Fran said on our way to my house.

She looked relaxed against her seat with her hand casually on the steering wheel. The only thing that revealed her tenseness was her knitted eyebrows. She was biting her lip, tying to find the right words.

"There was an emergency," I said, turning to look out my window.

The road speeding under us like our fast beat teenage life. I watched as we passed families and friends going around the world without a care in the world.

Inside this car there were so many worries, emotions, and thoughts hanging in the air like a stale odor.

My mind was torn between so many things. I was thinking about Ripley and hoping that her pain was gone today. I was thinking about Ashley and how we didn't tell her about Ripley's accident. I was thinking about all the other things going on in my life.

Mom left me a text this morning telling me that this weekend we were going to go to New York to see her grandmother who flew in from Ireland.

Great.

That's what I want.

Mom and me sitting on a Closter phobic plane with her asking so many fucking questions about what happened yesterday.

Now, I have to think of some sort of lies to tell her.

That's what our relationship is filled with, lies over lies.

"Oh," she said, her mouth in a perfect 'O'.

She had been acting weird lately.

She has been…very clingy.

I never noticed it before. It was until after the concert that she began to act like this.

Maybe it just wasn't there.

Or maybe I just didn't want to see it.

I glance back over at her.

She was beautiful without a doubt. Her exotic beauty was eye catching. Her skin was radiating and looked so soft to the touch. Her eyes were like pools of emotion right now.

Yet, she still held herself with such confidence and class that she looked like she belonged somewhere else then in this car.

She turned and met my gaze; a pleased smile appeared on her lips. "You could have waked me up, you know."

I said quickly, "I was in a hurry."

Her eyes didn't leave mine and I felt a strange tingle from it, but mostly it was making me feel sorry for her. For this tiny little connection that could have turned into something, but it was too late.

The connection didn't amount to anything.

Not anymore it couldn't.

No, because there will never be any connection like the one I am feeling now.

It was this vibrant and violent connection that tore everything inside our bodies.

"That doesn't matter." She said trying to find something in my eyes.

Which she found what she was looking for, and it was so vibrant it made her smile turn into a huge grin.

The thing is what she found wasn't for her.

The sad thing was she didn't know that.

She put her free hand on my knee. It made the flesh underneath the faded jeans I stole from the laundry room in the loft this morning burn uncomfortably. It was as if my skin knew that it was marked by another. .

"I am always here for you."

She had this glint in her eyes that made a cold chill flow down my spine. It was this glint, a look deeper into her eyes that reflected all these bottled up emotions inside her.

My eyes quickly looked away from her's and her hand slowly came off my leg.

"What are you doing today?" She asked as she pulled up in my driveway.

Fuck.

I needed to come up with something, and quick.

"I'm babysitting." I said and then smiled over at her, "This woman's little daughter in an hour. She is one of mom's friends from church."

This made her eyes roll and she smiled sadly at me, "Uhh, have fun?"

I chuckled and opened my door. "You know it."

I walked quickly to the front door and turned around to wave her goodbye.

She was on the verge of turning off the car and then coming in, but I shut the door.

Sorry.

I was sitting on the floor with Ripley watching live footage from Ashley's Philly concert when my phone vibrated.

I took it out of my hoodie pocket and looked at it.

Ripley's hand reaching for it like any other child would. She was curious at what it was and what it could do.

She has seen the iPhone before, because I would always take it out and take numerous pictures of her. She always liked looking at them when I was finished. She would look at me, point to herself, and say 'Me!'

It had to be the most adorable thing ever.

I think Kyla got video of it.

I read the text message from my mother.

** Honey! Hey! This texting thing is cool. Well, I just wanted to tell you that Dr. Mason gave me two tickets for a concert in New York! Isn't that great?**

I signed, knowing well that these tickets where probably to some lame Broadway performance.

I texted her back, trying to keep Ripley's hands away, laughing when she would curl up in my lap and burst into fits of laughs every time she would touch it. Her way of saying she was winning the little game she was playing with herself.

**What concert?**

I sat my phone to the side as I went back to trying to get Ripley to settle down to finish watching the concert.

Just when the captions was coming up for the revealing of Ashley's next concert did Ripley hit a button on the keyboard and the screen went off.

Damn.

I wanted to know.

The record company was doing this 'Weekend Mystery' concert that they would keep secret until the Thursday before.

It was making them a lot of money.

My phone vibrated again. I stood up, keeping Ripley on my hip and walking over to the couch to watch Aiden and Kyla challenging themselves in DDR.

I laughed as I read the text message.

**That one girl you like so much. Ashley Davies and Ani De something. I thought that would be good for us.**

I took a deep breath.

No.

Yes.

That was when I couldn't wait for that long plane ride with my mom.

The deep feeling of depression was filled with something else entirely.

Excitement. 


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

I was fourteen when I came out.

It was the middle of my freshman year and I thought it was a sure way to get this off my chest. It had been crushing me down before I even thought about saying it.

I can remember it like a fuzzy memory on an early nineties flashback scene.

I had never been in any kind of relationship.

To be completely honest, Ashley was my first relationship ever.

I knew though, from the beginning, that I liked girls.

When I would finish my school work as a kid, Dad would put in Gone With the Wind or some Audrey Hepburn film and I would watch it, completely amazed at how gorgeous Vivian Leigh and Audrey was.

I remember being six and telling my dad I wanted to marry them. He laughed and told me that they where too old for me. Then I asked him if they had daughters, which cracked him up.

It was a good memory.

Yet, my mother would have laughed at it.

She didn't laugh at it when I came out.

No, when I came out there was a lot of screaming and tears on my end.

She told me that it was just a stage and that it didn't mean anything. She told me that there was no possibility that a daughter of her's would be gay.

After I assured her that, yes, a daughter of her's was gay. The way she looked at me changed.

She told me that I disgusted her and that was held in her eyes.

Instead of just the normal uninterested look in her eyes, she finally held some sort of emotion for me.

Disgust.

To be honest, she never really looked at me like I was her daughter since I was little. It hurt and it took a lot in me to not let it bother me.

I have hope.

Sometimes…

I have hope that one day she will apologize to me for that. That she would apologize for reminding me that my life will be hell in this world because of my 'choice'. That she would apologize for telling me that I could go to hell for it. That she would apologize for not loving me like she should.

Sometimes I have hope.

It was weird sitting with her on the plane.

She was different somehow. She was more…motherly. She was asking me how I liked school, if it was hard and were people accepting of me being deaf.

I told her the truth; I didn't hang out with much people. Mostly just Fran.

She asked me, after a deep breath, if me and Fran was together.

Then I realized she was trying to be a mother and I could relax.

I sighed at that one and began explaining what had been going on between me and Fran. How she feels one way for me and I don't feel that way.

She gave me feedback. Good. Promising feedback.

Then I slipped and said something that the small connection between Fran and I could not come close to the connection…and then I stopped and looked at her.

I wasn't 'pose to tell her.

I mean I wasn't reading to tell her.

Was I?

She smiled softly and told me I could tell her.

I giggled at that, this was such a weird moment.

"I will, mom, I just am getting used to this…weirdness." I signed as I relaxed against my seat.

She nodded her head and signed back that I could take my time.

Was she on drugs?

"You will find out soon," I promised. I felt like any teenage girl who wanted to let her mother in on her life, sharing every detail about a crush or relationship.

She nodded her head and then changed the subject.

"So, would you like to tell me about who the little girl was?" She signed interested.

"She's my…well my…her niece." I said.

Mom nodded her head and I begin telling her how I just met her but we where getting close.

I told her about Aiden and Kyla, the two best people in the world and who I can say that they are probably some of the best friends I have had.

I told her how we all got close too, like a little family.

"I'm apart of their family and it's wonderful." I had signed wistfully.

My mother got a sad look on her face and looked down, "I'm sorry."

I nodded my head as she looked at me with regretful eyes.

And that's when I saw it.

She wasn't a doctor anymore.

She wasn't a religious woman.

She wasn't some bigoted lady.

She was just my mommy…for the first time in a long time.

I shifted nervously from foot to foot for the security guard to let us backstage.

Mom was excited that she had back stage tickets and that she surprised me with them. She knew about my slight obsession with Ashley Davies…but now I could easily get us back stage.

I had called Kyla earlier to set it all up with Ashley's body guard, Edward, just in case.

As we were lead back to the meet and greet room, where all the lucky fans stayed until Ashley came back to meet them, I told Edward I needed to use the bathroom.

Mom offered to go with me, but I told her it was fine and I will be back soon.

I had waited for mom to go into the room before heading to Ashley's dressing room. It was easy to find, it had a paper on it that read 'Ashley' in big bold letters.

I smiled and put my hand on the door knob, looking around conspicuously. I quickly walked into the room and shut the door behind me.

Ashley was looking straight at me, frozen with shock.

I smiled at her and walked straight up to her, pulled her by her shirt to me, and kissed her.

It was heated and filled with deep repression of not being able to kiss her over the last week.

This kiss was something new and powerful.

As I bit down on her lip, a streak of possessiveness ran through my body and my arm wrapped around her waste to bring her even closer.

My soul had taken over my body and went straight into action.

This was bold.

Very bold.

My fingers danced across her glossy back with trickles of her sweat coating the tips of my fingers. She smelt like her regular self intensified. It was her original smell mixed in with sweat and heat.

I felt my mouth water, and slipped my tongue between her lips. I was compelled to taste her, and I did just that. Our tongues were exploring each other's mouth in a quick, needed haste.

My teeth bit her bottom lip teasingly.

A week was too long apart…I don't know how I could deal being apart from her…from this in the future.

I just wanted to push her up against the wall and take her.

I reluctantly pulled apart to get some air.

She laid another kiss on my lips before pulling away and smiled dorkly. I was the only one who got that smile. That thought made my heart flutter.

"What are you doing here?" She asked me with softness on her lips.

I kissed her lips a couple more times.

I needed to memorize her lips, her taste, her everything.

"My great grandmum is visiting from Ireland and mom thought It would be a good idea for me to come with to see her." I said looking into her eyes. Oh, those beautiful eyes. "She surprised me with Ashley Davies tickets to your mystery concert."

She beamed at me, "I love when you say my name."

I gave her a devious smile and brought my hands so they where moving across the exposed skin of her stomach.

It was bold touches from an innocent girl.

"Oh really?" I said, my tongue at the top of my mouth, running over my teeth.

She nodded her head and tugged at my hips, bringing me closer. "Really Really. I haven't heard it in a long time."

I chuckled, amazed she loved my voice. The voice I couldn't hear.

She kissed me again, letting her tongue linger on my bottom lip and pulled it back into her mouth. She tugged at it with her teeth. She teased me, nibbling and sucking.

She pulled apart, "Where's your mom?"

I frowned, "Good way to ruin the moment."

She rolled her eyes and pushed forward against me with her whole body, kissing my lips.

She pulled away so I could see her lips and I could speak, "In the meet and greet room."

She shook her head at me, "I can't believe you left your mom with those crazy people."

"Those are your fans," I swatted her arm playfully.

She laughed, "I love 'em too death, but doesn't mean they're not crazy."

I shook my head at her, "I missed you."

I was playing with her hands now, her long fingers catching my attention.

She pulled me closer, taking her hands out of mine and pressing against my back. "I missed you too, baby. I'm going mad crazy thinking about you."

I let a goofy smile appear on my lips. My heart was beat beat beating and doing tons of flip flops against my chest.

I whispered almost scared to admit, "I'm addicted to you."

She kissed me, lips lingering for a moment. She pulled back, "Baby, rehab couldn't even detox you out of my system."

I smiled.

She took a breath. Putting a strand of my hair behind my ear she asked, "How are you doing?"

I thought for a moment, "Better now that I came to see you."

She smiled and kissed my forehead. "Same here."

I rubbed her stomach lightly with the pads of my thumbs. I love the way her tight abs flexed under my touch.

She asked, "How is everyone."

I sighed.

Fuck, I knew I would be the one telling her.

Fuck, Kyla is the one who should do this!

I frowned and she noticed my sudden uncomfortable atmosphere.

"What's wrong?" She said worried,

"Something happened," I said slowly seeing the panic rise in her eyes. I rubbed her stomach softer, trying to sooth away the panic. "With Ripley."

She pulled away, paniced.

"What?"

I tried to calm her down, putting my hands on her arms. "Baby, she is alright."

I visibly saw her untense.

"What happened?" she said almost impatiently.

I sighed, "She was sitting on the counter while Kyla was cooking. Kyla turned around to check on Mare and Ripley fell on her arm and hit her head on the side of the counter."

Ashley's eyes widened, "I told Kyla that was dangerous!"

I rubbed her arms, "It's okay, and she's fine. We took her to the hospital and mom fixed her up."

"Hospital?"

I nodded, "She's alright though. She broke her arm and got some stitches."

"Spencer! That isn't alright."

"Ash, kids fall all the time. She's alright, here look."

I reached inside my pocket to get out my iPhone. I touched the screen to show her my wallpaper.

Ripley was smiling up at the camera, her arm with the cast held up to show all the intricate drawing she let me sketch on with permanent maker. The stitches over her eyes were sticking out with red skin surrounding it.

Ashley's face fell, looking at the picture. "She's alright?" The way the words molded on her lips were so small and her eyes held those of a mother, worried and panicked.

Her face held that of a helpless mother who couldn't do a thing for her child.

"She's perfect," I said beaming at her. "She's running around like the princess of the house again."

She laughed at this then and looked back at my phone. "You have this picture of her as your wallpaper?"

I nodded.

"Why?"

I touched her cheek lightly, "She's a special girl."


	16. Chapter 15

**A/N: Okay guys, I am taking it to the next level.  
We need some twists and god knows this is going to be a big twist.  
This jumps a head in time and there will be flashbacks going back and telling you everything, but it jumps pretty high.  
I don't think it will disappoint you though.  
More like intrigue.**

This is super dramatic also.

Sorry no FOF this time. I have to go out with the fam and wanted to give you this. Hopefully tomorrow though with my next chapter. Just know, I always tell you this, but I mean it will all my soul that I am very grateful for all the feedback and keep leaving it.

Chapter 15

I have a story to tell you.

It is a story that I can't start at the beginning telling you. No, I have to start right now, in this moment. I know if I do that though, you will be confused. But this story, it's a story so captivating that I barely am able to let it slip from my lips. It makes me want to believe that this story will fill your heart with tiny little bubbles and make you believe in happy endings.

I have to tell you this story. Not because I want to, I want to go back to the day when my life became normal, became perfect.

It just doesn't work out that way.

I can't go back.

I can't relieve those moments of joy and happiness.

Because that would be the only story that I would have to tell you. I would end it right at the moment my happiness was at it's peak.

The End.

I can't though, because in every story they forget to put in the real stuff, what happens in real life.

In real life you don't get to relieve those happy moments, and once they are gone, there is no going back. In real life you don't just get the happiness for free, you have to either fight for it or earn it.

In real life you don't get the perfect relationship with a rock star and her family.

In real life you don't get the perfect relationship with your mother.

In real life you get fucked over and thrown back into the dirt.

In real life you get your heart broken.

__

"Mom," I said smiling as the older blond got lead into the room by the tall dark body guard.

The look in my mom's eyes was hilarious as she saw that I was in the dressing room of Ashley Davies.

My mom would never admit it, but I think she has a crush on Ashley.

Ashley step forward from her spot next to me, "Hello, Mrs. Carlin, I'm Ashley."

My mom's eyes widened and looked from her to me.

I smiled at her, "Mom, this is the girl I was telling you about."

Ashley looked back at me surprised.

She knew a good about my mother and how she treated me growing up. She heard a couple stories about my childhood that involved my mother, and those stories where enough for her not to like my mother. Also, she was a little afraid of the older one of us.

"We had an interesting conversation on the plane," I told the bewildered girl.

My mom nodded her head, "It was a lovely flight, wasn't it honey?"

I nodded my head.

It was and deep inside I was pleased. I was finally going to have that relationship I wanted with my mom since I was a little girl. I was finally going to be the daughter that she loves and adore.

"Well, Ms. Carlin, it is nice to meet you." Ashley said stepping back next to me and taking my hand. "It was a wonderful surprise to see Spencer."

This caused us to meet eyes.

It happened again, electrical currents flying between our eyes connecting us again.

Her soul was telling me that it was perfect, this moment was perfect.

I always thought Ashley and my mom meeting would be horrific, but there hasn't been anything back happening just yet.

I broke the eye contact and faced my mother again.

Her eyes held this look. It was a look that I had expected, but as of right now I didn't think would appear in her eyes.

She wasn't pleased with this openness, at least not yet. She was a little appalled, but she wasn't going to say anything.

She saw it too, the connection between Ashley and me. It was that evident that a religious, God fearing, woman can see and knows that there is nothing that could change it.

She signed to me, "It's good you got to see her, but we better go. We have to wake up early."

I nodded my head, "Can I have a moment alone with her real quick?"

My moms eyes widened and I laughed, "God, mom, you're such a perv. I didn't mean it like that."

Mom's cheeks flushed and then she turned to walk out the door.

As soon as the door shut, I attacked Ashley's busied lips with my own.

I had to memorize what her lips tasted like.

I had to memorize how they felt.

I had to memorize her. 

It was all perfect, everything had gone perfect. My life was everything that you could imagine it could be. I had the world. I was in love.

When you are love you were invincible.

I believed that. I believed that nothing could go wrong and that it would stay perfect how everything was.

I even imagined how my life would play out from that moment.

When Ashley got home from the concert she would tell me everything, all her locked away secrets. She would trust me enough to tell me everything and then, in return, I would be comfortable to tell her my secrets.

She would tell me about Ripley and how much she could be here with her forever. She would tell me all she really wanted was to be with her family and have one of her own.

She would look at me with these brown eyes that told me that she wanted me to be her own little family. They would tell me that she and I could be Ripley's mother.

My first time would be that night. It would be because our love and our trust and our need too be close to each other, inside one and another.

I would graduate from high school and head over to UCLA to take classes in Social Work and Spanish, double major in both.

I would move in with Ashley because Kyla and Aiden moved into a suburban house down the street from my family's home. It had the perfect back yard and a swing set for the girl's.

Ashley would have Ripley back as her daughter. It would be an easy transition for Ripley because she was practically raised as everyone's daughter anyway. She would live with us and stay with Kyla and Aiden when I have to go to school. Really, I would be over at their house most the time when Ashley was away on tour.

I would be a mommy and to Ripley. Then, when Ashley decided to stop touring, but still make albums and special appearances, we would settle down.

We would have this glorious wedding, and I would be the happiest girl in the world. Not to mention, the glorious sex we would have all the time.

Of course, everyone wanted the interview with Ashley since she was getting married and we would go on Oprah and tell our amazing story how we found our soul mates at such a young age.

Then, I would get pregnant and have a kid. Ripley would have a little brother and sister.

I imagined this perfect life in a matter of moments. It was a life of happiness and the perfect end to my fairy tale.

It didn't happen like that, because in real life it would be that easy.

I sat up here watching everything.

I watched as the families got out of their cars and headed up to their apartments to have their little dinners, and tell each other goodnight, and go to sleep with a happy smile on their faces.

I watched as someone helped another person by picking up their wallet as they dropped it from the ground.

I watched were someone fought with another over a parking space closer to the store and someone dragging their kid around by his arm.

I just watched.

I looked down at this ring, twinkling in the moonlight. It was perfect. It was made for me.

I think I feel one tear rolling down my cheek, but I could be imagining it.

I close my eyes.

I had to remember what her lips tasted like.

I had to remember how they felt.

I probably will never be able to do it again.

Kiss her.

Taste her.

See her smile.

I have to tell you this story.

That day at the concert changed everything. It had me fooled that this world was perfect. It had me believe that my life would be perfect, and for months it was.

But in real life nothing ever stayed perfect.

I have to tell you this story.

I have to make you understand.

I didn't mean for it to happen.

In fact, I doubt it was not even in my control.

Just know that I loved her with all my life. 


	17. Chapter 16

**Yeah, I confused ya. This is alright because I will explain everything to you soon. The large twist is sorta selfish of me, but I wanted to do something that will challenge me. I mean, now this is a huge challenge. Lol, plus we should blame Blue October, they have me thinking crazy. As for what happened? You will find out. It will take a minute for you to, but it will slowly be revealed. Plus, she is going to be up on top of that roof for a moment. **

The flashbacks are in italics and everything else is Spencer talking.

Oh and NC-17  
You know you love me.

Chapter 16

I could easily jump. I bet it wouldn't hurt. I would be dead within a second and by the time I hit the ground my heart would be pumping way to hard to feel the impact. I could easily jump and then it would be all over.

Wouldn't that be the best thing?

Escape your life by one impulse decision and then it's all over.

I could jump, and I would if I wasn't such a pussy. I was too scared that in that second I hit the ground, it would be the most painful thing. The pain is all I could focus on and not the part that it would only last a second.

I really was a pussy. I've been running for so long from everything in my life. When I ran away I didn't have to deal with anything. I was free from all my secrets.

I was so good back then.

Honestly, I wouldn't ever see any of this coming. If we are going on this honesty kick even though we went through hell and we went through it together. It was alright, cause we had each other.

But I couldn't handle this.

This was too much.

It was something that happened everyday. It was something that people dealt with everyday in such a healthy way.

I can't deal with it. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it with her. She didn't know how it felt. She had her's when it was all said and done, but mine? Mine didn't have a chance.

I looked up at the sky. Isn't God supposed to be here with me right now? Isn't he supposed to help sooth my pain away? Isn't he supposed to hear my cries?

The cries of a deaf girl.

I was just a girl, a little girl.

There was a shooting star, crossing the sky in one diagonal line of light.

The last time I seen one of those was when it was all good.

When my life was perfect.

_  
**Wat hotel r u ?** She wrote in cheesy text speak._

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and noticed that it was almost one in the morning. Why was she messaging me at one in the morning?

I texted her back, ** New York Palace Hotel**

I laid my head back down waiting for her reply. I must have fallen back asleep because when my phone vibrated I jumped up. I read her simple text. **room 428**

It was the only thing that she wrote and a smile came onto my face. There was no way? Could it? Maybe.

I lifted my head and looked over at mom who was sleeping heavily in the other bed. I slowly peeled the covers away and slipped into my flip flops. I walked out of the room into the living room writing on a piece of paper telling my mom I was exploring the hotel. She would wake up in the morning and actually believe it.

It took me only minutes to take the elevator up to her room. I was looking around like I was in some sort of spy game.

I liked the idea of not getting caught.

I don't know who I would get caught by, but I didn't want to get caught.

I came to stand outside her door, the number written in bold letters in front of me.

What would happen once I went on the other side of the door? What did I expect? Just to hang out with her after not seeing her for a while? Or did I expect something else? Something more?

I knew that if I went onto the other side of the door I was telling myself no matter what happened, I would go through it whole heartedly.

I wouldn't have it any other way though. Anything that involved her, I wanted to do whole heartedly.

I softly knocked at the door, and let my hand come down and play with my shirt.

I was nervous.

She opened the door. She stood there in a white towel wrapped around her body and another towel in her hand. Her hair was wet and lightly curled.

She had a sly grin on her face as she signaled me in and closed the door behind me.

I licked my lips; there had been tiny drops of water…

She came to step back in front of me, "I missed you."

…that slowly creped down her skin into the area between her breasts. I just wanted to lick it up with my tongue.

I nodded at her, "I missed you to."

That was the last of our words. We didn't need to speak anything anymore because it was now all up to our souls to communicate. They did, and they spoke loud.

We somehow ended up in a heated kiss on the couch. I was sitting down and she was straddling me. Her towel was slightly open in front, but didn't hide the wetness that was flowing freely on my pajama pants as she grinded her hips into me.

I had a grip on her hips with my hands, wanting to pull her as close as I could. As I drank her in, my mouth kissing her's, I felt the huge for more.

I needed more.

My kiss was teasingly as I pushed my tongue in her mouth and dragged it back out, biting her lip hard causing her to arch against me.

I pulled back and looked her in her eyes. Our eyes screaming more, our bodies screaming more, our souls demanding more.

She was about to say something and I put my finger to her lips. I shook my head no and put the finger back on my lips, "Shhh."

We didn't need words to communicate and I wanted to teach her just that.

Wordless communication.

She got up off me, and held out her hand for me to take. I smiled as she led me into the master bedroom of the suite. Her eyes never leaving mine and it all started as she pushed me softly onto the bed.

Her lips attacked mine again as we got comfortable on the bed. I didn't want to break this moment and I knew that it was just right.

I was new to this. This was my first time and I wasn't scared because suddenly I trusted her with my life I wanted her to see everything, know everything, do everything about/to me.

She trailed soft kisses along my jaw line to my neck and began nibbling at the skin there. My hands on her back, her skin soft against my fingers. I didn't realize the towel had fallen away from her, but I was grateful about it.

She kissed back up to my lips and pulled apart. Her wet hair fell over us, blocking us from the outside. Her eyes asked the one question that had been on her mind.

Am I ready?

Mine gave the only answer they could.

Yes.

That's when clothes fell away and I was there in front of her. Just me and nothing else.

I am just Spencer.

She is just Ashley.

We were meant for each other, and about to do something that would be the most known memory going down in our history.

Her finger tips trailed down my skin, creating a burning trail that sent shocks to my center.

Ashley smiled up at me, her eyes keeping mine. She gently tweaked a nipple and I couldn't help but moan. She did it again, loving the simple reaction coming from me. Soon, both of her silky hands found my breasts. She gently circled around my nipple with soft thumbs and then began to massage them.

While she was slowly torturing me, I let one hand become bold and cup her left breast. I felt the vibrating of her moan and was pleased that I was the one who made her moan.

One of my legs hitched up coming in contact with her center, her wetness was the evidence that she wanted me just as much as I wanted her.

She bent down and slowly circled each of my nipples with her tongue before softly nibbling on them. I began to twitch with pleasure and moaned deeply.

She knew how to work a girl up.

As she continued to keep her attention on my breasts I left my hand trail down her perfect round ass and trace my finger up to her clit. Without touching it, I rubbed small circles around it driving her even crazier then she was driving me.

I was becoming more and more bold as we continued.

With my freehand I brought her face back up to mine and started another round of intense passionate kissing. I could feel her heartbeat through her lips beating faster with each moment. My finger never wanted to stop their slow torture.

Her hand quickly found my clit, and everything went white.

Her hand was the most precious thing in the world at that moment and I was suddenly thankful she was as experienced as she was. She made my inexperience hand look like nothing compared to her's. I couldn't help but let my hand fall to the bed as her fingers began to make me lose any ability to focus. I pushed my whole body forward against her's and moaned.

She smiled at me, setting another kiss on my lips, and began the amazingly beautiful moment.

She took her hand away with a groan from me in response. She smiled wickedly and kneeled down in front of my slightly spread legs. She laid on lingering kiss on my stomach. I let my hand caress my hair.

Her tongue slowly licked the insides of my thigh and I was becoming both nervous and excited.

She lowered her head until her hungry lips met my center. She covered me with little kisses, and slowly pulled my legs apart exposing me all the way to her eys.

She slowly licked at my lips, making sure not to touch my clit. She was slowly building me up so high that when I came I would think I was in heaven.

I let out a deep groan when her tongue finally ran across my clit. It felt like hot white passion shooting through me. She swept her tongue back and forth and then ran slow circles around it.

Then she did it.

Her tongue left my clit and quickly entered me as far as she could. It was both a surprise and the most welcomed feeling in the world. I moaned as she brought it in and out making me began to shake with pleasure.

I knew what an orgasm felt like. I mean, I do touch myself. I have to find relief some how. This, this was so much different from my fumbling inexperience fingers bringing me to a release.

I knew I was so near to cumming that I couldn't see straight anymore. 

Her tongue darted in and out of me quicker, curling to as she slipped it in deeper. One of her thumbs was massaging my throbbing lips. Her other hand squeezed my hand tightly as I bucked widely against her face.

She rolled her tongue over my clit and I felt sweat covered my whole body. I was shaking and bucking and then, just then, as her tongue flattened on my clit to bring it into her mouth and nibbled on it I came as hard as ever.

I felt a moan leave my lips following her name.

She game my sex one last kiss before crawling back up to me. A soft kiss on my lips and I could taste myself.

I grinned wickedly at her.

It was her turn.

We were setting out on the patio in the large comfy chair they had out there. We had the bed sheets around and I lay back in her arms. This felt right.

I was sleepy and it was only about two thirty in the morning. I wasn't used to this, and having multiple orgasms was very tiring.

Her hand went up to point at the sky and that's when I saw it.

A star shooting across the sky in one long motion and then quickly out of our sight.

I turned back to look at her with a smile on my lips.

This was perfect.

This moment in my life was perfect.

In a sleepy slowness I whispered to her, "I can't make any more wishes. I already I my love right here with me."

Well, my life wasn't perfect right now.

I could easily wish on the shooting star as I could easily jump right now. Both would make my life so much easier. Well, if I believed in wishing on a shooting star it would.

I don't do it though.

I guess I am a masochist because I am sitting here not doing nothing about this pain except letting it sink in deeper.

I pondered a moment and stood up.

I could easily jump.


	18. Chapter 17

I'm sleepy.

I'm doing all these updates cause I don't want to leave you hanging. It is a confusing turn but it all plays out in the end, I promise, just stay with me. I also will get back to FOF once I get you back to speed. I do love when you ask questions because I then know what I need to clear up.

**Backstory  
** **QUOTE** What makes her want to die? 

**  
Spencer wants to die because her life has gotten out of control. Something happened (which will tell what that is in this chapter) that really hurt Spencer and she completely lost it. With her bi-polar, it just intensified the problem. She pushed everyone away and she lost the ability to deal.**

**QUOTE** Where's Ashley? 

****

Ashley and her broke up due to Spencer's lost of control. Neither of them wanted to, and Ashley wanted to stand by her, but Spencer pushed her away. Though, Ashley told her once she figured everything out she would be there waiting.

**QUOTE** What happened between them that was so horrible? 

**  
It was a tragedy that happened between them, well not exactly between them but it has to do with what is mentioned in this chapter.**

**QUOTE** Who's to blame for this? 

**  
To be honest, no one. It's a reasonable result as to what happened that has Spencer the way she is.**

**QUOTE** How far are we ahead in time? 

**  
Just a couple years. The reason for the huge jump in time is because Spencer is the one tell her story and of course we want the whole story (which we will get a little) she felt compelled to go into the moment that she is now. She felt the need to jump to that moment.**

**QUOTE** Does anyone know that Spencer is Attempting suicide? 

**  
No, she is on top of the roof by herself going through a tough inner battle.**

**QUOTE** Who's balcony is Spencer thinking about jumping off of? 

**  
She is on the roof of her apartment building over looking Los Angeles. A long way down.**

That and this chapter is mostly a back story at the main reason she is up there. I am planning in future chapters that she will go into flashbacks over several pivotal moments in her life that lead up there (Fran, Ashley tell her secrets, etc….) It should all even out where it is less confusing.

Thanks for being patient and I promise that you will understand this in the end.

My name by George Canyon inspired this chapter. 

Chapter 17

I stood back down off the ledge. I could easily jump, but I'm not. I can't. There is too much I have to live for. There are too many people that it would affect. I am selfish, but I am not that selfish.

As I step down I see her face in my head with that goofy little smile on her face. She would be disappointed, my little girl who I promised I would take to the park tomorrow. If I jumped I would make my life easier, but how would it make her life easier? She would be standing at the door, waiting for my special knock to tell her that I was on the other side. She would be standing there, waiting forever, everyday for me. Her big brown eyes would be teary.

She would be disappointed.

I would have to go to her tomorrow. Pick her up from the one place that I couldn't bare to be in. I couldn't bare to see **her**. I don't know if I could look her in the eyes. They would hold so much pain and uneasiness.

I would be there and quickly pick up Ripley and take her on the day I promised her.

If I jumped then she would be crushed.

If I didn't then I would be reminded everyday how bad my life turned into.

One bad thing and I spin out of control.

Tomorrow, I would look her in the eyes and see the reflection of memories that I didn't want to deal with.

It felt like it was yesterday that it happened and not a month ago. A month ago was when my world shattered.

It would have been perfect, if it all happened right.

Ashley had finally ended her tour a year ago. We were finally together without a large amount of space tearing us apart. I was going into my Jr year at UCLA. Ripley was three and a half.

My perfect dream was almost fulfilled.

I got pregnant. We both wanted to have a child of our own, well one that we would have together. I was completely eager to carry the child despite the fact I would have to come off my medicine.

The pregnancy was surprisingly the best time that I have felt completed during my whole life. I was just as connected to this tiny life, these tiny lives, inside me as I was to Ashley.

We had found out we were having twins, two little boys.

I was happy and radiant.

Ashley was the best person possible.

We were happy with our little family inside a big family.

We were all perfect.

I had my random bouts of mood swings. It was expected, but at the end of the day I went to bed happy.

I would sometimes come up here on this roof and watch the stars. I finally felt apart of something bigger then myself. I would look down at my bulging stomach, stroking it as I felt the overwhelming love for these two lives.

They meant the world to me and I didn't even know their names.

My water broke as Ashley and I was relaxing the tub. I was feeling uncomfortable and we decided that a nice soak in the bath would cure it. It was about three in the morning and we called the midwife an hour before.

When the contractions began to hit hard we called the midwife back and she came straight away.

I didn't scream once. I was excited and ready for these two lives to be in my arms. The anticipating was killing me.

Two pushes and the first one came out and two more pushes followed his brother. They where laid on my chest and I kissed Ashley in a burst of joy.

My heart felt a ping.

Something was wrong.

There wasn't a cry.

The midwife was checking them both, trying to get the cry out.

It was useless.

They were born still.

I could have sworn Ashley and I was feeling them moving around earlier in the bathtub.

Do you know what it is like to have both of your children lying of your chest dead?

It was the worst feeling ever.

Suddenly their weight was unwelcome and tears were streaming down my eyes. I checked, laying my hand flat on their tiny chests, for a heartbeat and there was none.

Ashley had her daughter, perfect and healthy.

Who was my daughter also. I was her 'mama'.

But these boys, they were mine in some sort of way. As much as they were both Ashley and mine, they were just mine also.

It's hard to explain, it just that natural bond that you develop when they are inside you for nine months.

The connection as strong as Ashley and mines.

I cried for three days straight and Ashley right there with me. A lot of time she was crying with me. Her children were dead.

Ripley was sent to Kyla and Aiden's, her other Mommy and her Daddy.

Lucky kid, having two sets of parents.

My mind became jumbled and my depression sunk in ten times worse as any other person. My heart had felt through to the floor and I had begun pushing Ashley away from me. My breasts yearned for the feeding of the two little lifeless boys.

I didn't mean to fall down so fast, so hard. I went into the deepest part of me and I couldn't, can't, find my way out of it.

I laid in bed as lifeless as my boys, and Ashley finally got fed up with her. I was so selfishly into myself that I never recognized Ashley's hurt.

The moment they were born was when my life fell apart.

I pushed everyone out of my life and couldn't deal.

This month, thirty days, has been pure hell and I don't see how I can deal. It all hurt too much and I was alone. I had to be alone. I couldn't rely on Ashley to always be by my side, not like she wouldn't be here if I wanted her to, but I she has been with me all the time.

This time, I had to be the one to fix me.

I have to be the one to tell this story.

I have to be the one to figure this out.

You know I love her, don't you?

I have to let all this out because I wanted to go back into her arms. I have to learn how to deal and find my way back out of myself.

I have to learn to be happy again.

If not for the woman I love with all my heart, then my daughter who is relying on my to take her to the park tomorrow.

I'm uber sleepy.


	19. Chapter 18

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I was going though a extreme bout of depression and didn't feel close to writing. I am getting back into the swing of things, so sorry if the quality is down a little. I am not too happy with this chapter, but I really wanted to reward you guys for the AWESOME feedback you have given me! It means so much for me.**

I think there will be four or five chapters of this story left and then I will work more on my twilight fic and maybe a new fic if I can get some challenges.

Thank you so much!  


I look over the edge at the light filled city.

This place would never become dark, although inside I feel like it is pitch dark. There are no lights to show me the way home. How was I ever supposed to fix this? Fix me?

I would love to sit here and tell you that there have been no bad moments in our relationship before the death of our children. That would be a lie.

We had our highs and our lows, but the thing is we were in it together. She was my anchor, my tether that kept me tired down to earth. Without her, I end up in disarray.

Since that night of my first time, she has been in my blood. I was infected with her and without her I fiend like a junkie. I was addicted to her, and everything is just so bad without her.

She's loved me even though I can't hear.

She's loved me even though I am a mental mess.

She's loved me even when I messed up.

Boy, she loved me even though I can be a complete fuck up.

_My head swarmed with millions of tiny aches that made it hard to open my eyes. I was lying flat on my stomach and my head buried deep into the pillow. I felt a warm arm around my waist._

What happened?

My head hurt and I felt if I moved my body I would be pushed down even farther into the bed.

What happened last night?

The last thing I remembered was getting a phone call from Ashley. She had just got home from her tour and I was out at a party with Fran. She told me to have fun.

So, what happened?

I felt breath against my shoulder and I knew it had to be Ashley.

Right? Cause who else would I be in bed with.

I remember having a few drinks even though I hated to drink. It doesn't mix well with the medication I am on which is why I think I have this small bout of amnesia.

The body next to me began to move and I felt the arm around my waist slide up my bare back and curl around to my breast.

I was naked and I don't even remember how I got to become this way.

I must have gone to Ashley's after the party. She promised me when she got back we would have another night like we had months before.

Everything was going so well. She would come home at least once every three weekends to spend time with her family, our family.

A month ago we came out to my parents. Well, more like the paparazzi took pictures of us making out in the front of her Porsche on Rodello Dr.

Yeah, we couldn't help it, okay? Try being around a rock goddess all day and not want anything. Pfft.

I left my head and found a soft smiling face looking back at me.

My heart stopped and panic set in.

I laid my face down in the pillow and felt smooth long fingers left my chin back up. A glowing, beautiful face was smiling at me with pearly white teeth.

Except, it wasn't my girl's glowing, beautiful face smiling at me.

Francesca.

I jumped up, surprised. The cool air was hitting my skin in conscious knives that only made this more real. She had a confused look on her face as I pulled away from her tender fingers.

Those fingers that shouldn't have been in me the night before.

"What?" I said confused. I ran hand through my tousled hair.

She looked at me, "What's wrong baby?"

I moved back even more, "Baby?"

The small smile that had been on her face fell immediately. "Yeah, after last night I thought…."

My eyebrows furrowed, "Thought what? Shit!"

She tried to reach for me, but I only moved away from her touch. "Spencer, I thought you wanted to…"

"What?" I said pissed off that I couldn't remember the moment that I lost all my inhibitions and decided to fuck her.

The look on her face was torn and sad, and I know I should feel sorry for her but I can't. I can only feel anger and betrayal.

"You wanted this last night!" She said sadly.

I shook my head, "Did you take in count I was drunk? Damn!"

"But you wanted it." She said, anger taking over her face masking the evident sadness. "You liked it!"

I stood up and looked for my clothes. They were scattered across the floor. I hurried and picked up each garment, slipping it onto my body.

I turned back to her, "I don't fucking care. I was drunk. I though you were my friend!"

She got up to stand taller than me. Her eyes made my heart drop with sympathy and pity, but her face was stone with anger.

She fucking knew I was taken. She saw the magazines and I told her in great detail that my relationship with Ashley meant everything to me.

I am not going to lie, I knew the way she looked at me was more then friendly but I didn't think she would go this far.

"There is something here, Spencer, can't you see it?" She asked pulling on my hands.

"No, Fran, there is nothing! Fuck!" I yelled back at her.

I was suddenly happy I couldn't hear because once I was done yelling my throat hurt. I was getting angry and I knew that I had to get away from her.

"Francesca," The word felt like fire on my tongue. "There is abso-fucking-lutly **nothing** between us. You understand? What you fucking did is inexcusable." I looked into her teary eyes once more before I turned and left her room, running down the stares and out her house.

I wasn't afraid at what I was going to do. I was extremely angry, but I knew that it was out of my control. I knew that I wouldn't have fucked her, cheated on Ashley, if I was sober.

I just don't want to hurt Ashley.

As angry as I was, it would hurt Ashley just as much.

She had been my first and only. That was the way it was going to be, forever. Francesca fucked that over.

I pulled out my phone, eleven texts waiting.

I hurried and texted Ashley to pick me up. I need someone right now, and she was the only person I wanted to be around.

My skin felt dirty to me, like it betrayed me in some sort of way. I felt my head banging like it was trying to detach itself from my body. I took a seat down on Fran's front step and put my head in my hands.

So many thoughts were flowing through my head.

Ashley had just got home from this tour. She didn't have another one for at least five months. I graduate in a couple months and then I was going to move in with her. We had been talking about it.

Everything was going perfect.

Of course my mother and older brother, Glen, was still having some issues with me being gay thing, but they were warming up to the idea.

Ashley was supposed to come to Sunday dinner tomorrow.

It was going to be perfect.

I pull my head out of my hands and see her pull up, the connection between us only stronger.

I ran over to her car and into the passenger seat.

She had a look of worry on her face as if she could feel my anger and betrayal.

I put my hands on her cheeks and pulled her into a deep passionate kiss. The kiss was soaring with love and happiness. It was a kiss that could only be given to the one who hold's your soul in their hands.

I pulled apart.

A smile was on her lips, "Wow, what was that for."

I leaned in and gave her another short kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too. But what's wrong, baby?"

She knew something wasn't right.

She knew me oh so well.

I looked her in the eyes.

I am a firm believer in being completely honest in a relationship.

"I was drunk." I whispered and never looked away. In her eyes realization kept in slowly as I continued, "She took advantage."

In all my life I usually fucked everything up. I was used to everything going wrong.

I wasn't used to something good happening.

So, I wasn't used to her kissing my lips.

I wasn't used to her getting out of the car and running up to bang on Francesca's front door.

I wasn't used to someone warning someone else that if they ever touched me again they would get fucked up.

I wasn't used to the safeness of her hand in mine as we drove off.  


The lights only got brighter as I stared off into them.

I felt a smile curl onto my lips at the vibrant memory. It was the first smile that has graced my lips since that night. This smile was small, but it was true.

It made me think back to that night, like all my thoughts seem to do.

We was going to name them Riley and Railyn.

My smile stayed on my lips.

This was progress.

I felt her love course through my body.

She loved me even when I wasn't near by.

She still loved me.

Feedback please? 


	20. Chapter 19

**Thank you for the feedback.  
I'm so sleepy.**

Chapter Nineteen

I remember the first time I cried watching a movie. I was sitting on the couch with my mother watching The Notebook. My heart followed intently with the love story that was playing before my eyes. Even though I couldn't hear their voices, I felt each and every word deep in my heart.

I told myself that night, curled up into a cushion on the couch, I would do anything for a love like that.

Ashley flew all the way from New Zealand to be here on my 18th birthday. She told me that I was worth the jet lag when she had to fly back the next day.

She made my first time the best moment in my life, a moment filled with love.

She made a family bedroom because I insisted to co-sleep with the boys when they were born.

Her entire last album was songs dedicated to me and the kids.

She spent two weeks straight learning sign language nonstop.

She loves me unconditionally.

The moment I knew I had received my wish was when she laid all her trust in me.

Just by telling me one secret.

__

"Is she asleep?" I signed to her, getting comfortable on her bed.

I was amazed at how personal her room was. This was my first time in this room.

Crazy?

I know.

I have stayed so many nights here and I haven't been in her room. I felt like I was intruding on something when she wasn't here. Now that she is back from her tour, it feels right to be here.

Her deep red walls held passion as the photographs everywhere held intimacy.

It was perfect.

She nodded her head, climbing into bed with me. My body immediately curled in next to her.

I am amazed that there is no tension between us, no negativity after what happened this morning. She believed in our love so much to know that I would never intentionally cheat on her with anyone else.

She loves me and trusts me.

"Hey?" She signed getting my attention.

I met her brown eyes with mine. She had the most intense eyes. The brown hue with flakes of whiskey red in them was eye catching.

"Yeah?" I asked.

She smiled at me and placed a soft kiss on my lips. Her lips were as soft as a cloud and as smooth as silk. She pulled away from me with a soft smile on her lips.

"I would never be able to live without kissing your lips," she said looking me in the eyes. "Do you know that?"

I smiled, "I'm starting to."

She kissed my lips once more, "Good."

I loved this girl so much right now. How could you love someone in just a short amount of time? How do you know if it is the love that you search your whole life for? How do you know if this love is the real thing?

You just do.

"Can I tell you something?" She signs to me slow.

I pull away from her only to situate myself in front of her, moving her legs so they each set next to one of my thighs.

I nodded my head, "You can tell me anything."

She looks down and plays with her fingers nervously.

A smile formed on my lips, amazed at how this rock star can get so nervous around a deaf girl but can prance around in front of millions of people with barely anything on.

"It's about Ripley." She looked up at me.

Her body is serious and I know that this is the moment I have been waiting for.

I knew, of course I knew, but I wanted her to tell me.

I reach for one of her hands, giving her the strength she needs to tell me and to tell her it is alright to speak it.

"Yeah, baby," I encouraged.

Her fingers were playing with mine, "Please don't be angry, I never wanted to hide anything from you."

"I could never be angry with you," I say and place a soft kiss on her lips.

She smiled softly at me, "Ripley…she's mine."

I smile at her, not really knowing what to say. I squeeze her hand, telling her that it is alright and I'm not angry.

"I told you she was a special girl," I said smiling.

She looked at me for a moment, "You knew?"

I blushed, "Umm, I sort of put two and two together."

She let out a held breath, "Oh, good, I thought you would be angry."

I shook my head, "Never."

I leaned in and laid a feather like kiss on my lips and pulled back, "Have I ever told you that you are the best thing that has came into my life?"

I laughed and shook my head no.

She smiled, "Well, Ms. Carlin, you are."

"Thank you."

I looked down at our entangled hands. This is the moment that I really needed to have answers.

I met her eyes, "Why keep it a secret?"

Her smile fell off her face.

This is the hard part.

How do you tell someone why you gave up your child?

"I…" She started, but stopped.

She began playing with my fingers, "I didn't want to. I wanted to be the best mom…"

I squeezed her hand.

"I wanted to be the mom that she deserves. The mom that stayed home with her and be there when she wakes up. I wanted to be the mom that would be there when she woke up in the middle night crying to be held. I wanted to be the mom that she would be proud of." She started, her face torn.

I felt my heart break for her.

"I grew up with the worst mother. I never had that example of how to be the mom I wanted to be. I was afraid of becoming my mother, someone I don't even want my daughter to know about."

I nodded my head in understanding.

"Kyla can be that mom, she was a natural. She can give her the love and attention I'm not able to. She is here to be the one to wake up in the middle of the night with her. She is the one to clean her up after a food fight between her and Aiden. She is here everyday for her while I'm…I'm away."

Her face held so much guilt.

"I gave her to Kyla because she deserves the world."

I reach up and wiped the tears that were falling around her cheeks. I leaned up and kissed away each sadness.

I whispered into her ear, "The thing is…in her world…she deserves you."

I felt her still at my words and I continued, "In her world she has the both of us now. In her world you're her mommy and that will never change."

After the words came from our mouths, secrets coming out one after another, we sat back and relaxed.

There was nothing hidden between us.

We were together and that night was the beginning of our new lives. The next day we would venture out as more than a couple, we were soul mates…partners.

I remembered The Notebook as I laid there next to her.

I told myself that night, curled up next to her as we slept; I had everything like a love like that.

I turned away from the city and look toward the door.

I am not ready to go through it yet.

Soon.

Very soon.

Love?  



	21. Chapter 20

**You guys deserve this!  
Each and every one of you deserves the world for you beautiful and wonderful feedback. I am so sorry I haven't done FOF, but know that my heart is out to you and I love each and everyone of you.**

I hope you love this.

Chapter Twenty

__

"You love me?" I giggled.

"Yes, I have from the first time I saw you" Ashley confessed to me, squirming a bit, half with nervousness and the other half from being so close to orgasm then being interrupted.

I closed my eyes as she gently put my lips to her's, electricity filled the elevator. I hungrily sucked her willing tongue into my mouth. She was taken aback but wildly passionate at the same time.

We have spent so many nights making love to each other. Each other's fantasies was slowly making their way to reality with each and every day.

Today was no different.

I pulled away from her and quickly pulled off my tank top. Shaking my hair from my face I smiled at Ashley, reaching down slowly to rack a fingernail up the crouch of her underwear.

"You were close weren't you? Before I stopped, I mean."

Ashley shuddered at the teasing of my nail as it tickles her sopping labia. She rolled her hips, trying to guarantee contact between my fingernail and her throbbing clit. Ashley shuddered at the teasing of my nail as it tickled her sopping labia.

"Uh huh," Ashley mumbled.

"Maybe I should finish you off then?" I said seductively as I reached around behind my back, struggling momentarily with my bra.

Once undone, I rolled my shoulders forward slightly and let the black lace garment fall to the floor. Ashley nearly gasped out loud, I knew how found she was of my breasts; perfect size with beautiful pink areolas. Even though my tan was slightly faded, Ashley could still make out the tan lines on my breasts, and I knew Ashley loved tan lines.

Instantly Ashley bolted upright, wrapped her arms around me and began kissing and licking my breasts. I reciprocated the embrace and began giggling. Her hot, soft tongue tickled incredibly against my extra sensitive nipples.

I was becoming wetter and wetter by the second. Having my nipples licked, suckled, and nibbled turned me on so much. I reached down and began rubbing Ashley through her panties again, resulting in her hot breath moaning against my skin.

It was becoming easier to communicate without any words needed. We could read each other so easily now, the connection almost too strong to bear.

As my rubbing became quicker, she through her head back. "Oh, Spencer! I need…..fuck!" She panted, the elevator lights lighting her glossy lips perfectly. Her eyes widened pleadingly, "Please, baby?!"

I was still slightly taking aback while having my nipples tongued, but my open mouth expression became a broad smile.

I have became cocky ever since me and Ashley began having sex, and might I say she has turned me into a little Nympho.

I slipped down onto my knees of the elevator floor, pulling one of her legs over my shoulder and rested a hand under her ass keeping her up. I slipped a finger under the elastic of her panties and deftly pushed them to one side.

Slowly I put my lips to Ashley's pussy. She gasped and shuddered as she felt the tip of my tongue make contact with her swollen, sopping labia. I imagined back to our first couple times, who Ashley had a magnificent gift of a tongue might I say. I rolled my tongue in a quick circular motion, that technique instantly rocketed Ashley to an explosive orgasm.

I could feel her scream rake through her body, she grabbed my hair and arched her hips into my mouth, quivering as wave after wave of white hot pleasure pulsed through her body. I reached down and began rubbing and tugging at my own nipple, feeling the need of the touch.

While Ashley continued riding her cataclysmic orgasm, neither one of us was aware the elevator had started moving. The first indication that we were at the threshold of freedom and safety was the 'ping' of the elevator as the door opened. Once it did, my head snapped around with the 'deer in the headlights' expression as the door slide open. Glancing up I saw we were back on the eighteenth floor. Ashley was semi-comatose, grinning and her head slowly rolling back and forth.

Luckily for us, no one was standing in the hallway. I mean, if Aiden, Kyla, and the girls had been standing there…can you say 'Awkward'?

Quickly I grabbed the bags that had been thrown on the floor, "C'mon!! We gotta go!"

Ashley's eyes flew open wide. She jumped up and followed me out of the elevator. As we were trying to make it to the loft we got distracted hugging, kissing and stumbling over each other.

"I love you," I said after the final kiss before stepping into the loft.

Thank God Kyla and Aiden took the girl's out that day. 

My hand came in contact with the cold metal of the door. I could do this; I could heal and be happy. I slowly walk into the chilled air of the stair well, leaving the safety of the warm night.

I was putting myself in direct line with a bullet; it was either going to hit me or it would miss me. If it hit me, I don't know how I would survive. If she won't accept me back in her awaiting arms, I don't think I could survive. I would be back up her, reading to make my last leap. Yet, if she accepted me back into her arms then I know that I can be healed by her never ending love.

I smile at the thought of our rambunctious love making and at how adventurous we were. We never fucked each other. We never screwed each other. We never had sex. We simply made love with the purest love anyone can feel.

As I pushed the down button, watched it light up, I was thinking back to the moment that we voiced our undying love to each other. We made that one promise that each of us knew that we had to make….

_  
"That's the last of them," Aiden said putting down the brown box in the middle of the living room. He had droplets of sweat on his brow from the nearly twenty hour move._

Aiden and Kyla found their perfect home, wanting to settle in somewhere that was their dream home. They found it next to my parent's home, surprisingly. The beautiful four bedroom home was now going to be put to use by the perfect family.

As well as their move, I was moving in with Ashley.

It was official; we were in it for the long run.

What makes it even more official is that Ripley is living with us, her two mommies. It was a decision that was made over the last few months, suggested by Kyla after Ashley told her I knew. It was her decision that the little girl has all of us as parents. We would have her on the weekdays, and they take her on the weekends.

Well, even though we are at each other's homes constantly.

Yesterday the little girl had woken up from her nap, lying in a pilot on the living room floor next to Mare. Their bedrooms were a little bit…disoriented and I decided to make them a sleeping spot like my mom used to do me.

She was fusing a little bit, sometimes when she wakes up from too much sleep she usually gets a little cranky. I walked over to pick her up, not wanting her to wake up Mare.

Her sleepy brown eyes looked into mine as she held close to me. I kissed her for head as she said both verbally and in sign, "Mama, I love you."

I cried.

I smiled back to Aiden, the poor boy looked tired from no sleep. "Thank you so much for everything!" I went over to him and brought him into a tight embrace. We pulled apart and I continued smiling, "For everything."

He nodded his head, "We're family, Spence, and you don't have to thank me."

I laughed, "True, but I love ya."

He shook his head, "Love you too, kid."

"We done?" Kyla said coming from the kitchen with Ripley in her arms. Ashley followed her, holding Kyla's nine month mini me in her arms. The little girl had a good grasp of Ashley's hair, it looked a little painful.

Aiden nodded, "Yeah, hun, we're done. Everything moved into both homes, now all we need is sleep!"

I nodded my head, "Amen."

Ashley giggled, "Says the girl who got to sleep when the kids slept!"

I gave her the official 'Spencer Puppy Dog Eyes' and pout, "I had to get my rest for finals."

Ashley walked over and kissed me on my cheek, "It's not fair when you pout like that."

Kyla came to stand by Aiden, "As cute as you too are, I think it is time for us to go home."

Aiden took Ripley from Kyla's arms, "Come 'ere little girl." He twirled her around in the air making the two year old giggle. I smiled as I watched him lovingly. He reminded me of my father, both men were perfect fathers.

"I love you," He says to her as he situated her in his arms. He lovingly kissed her forehead.

"I love you daddy!" She said happily, throwing her tiny arms around his neck. I must say that she is a Daddy's and Mama's girls. I can see how Kyla and Ashley watches either of us intra-act with the little girl, their eyes filled with love and contentment.

Aiden then handed the girl back to Kyla who told her she loves her and after changing babies with Ashley, they set out to their new home.

Ashley smiled down at Ripley who watched Kyla and Aiden leave, confusion on her tiny face. "What's wrong , Butterfly?"

Ripley pointed at the door, "Where they go?"

I put my hand on her back, "Remember, baby, Mommy and Daddy live in that house next to Popi and Mami?"

Her eyes got big with fat tears. She looked from Ashley and me, "They go bye bye?"

"Yeah, baby," Ashley said patting her back.

"Long Imma?" She signed to me, asking are they leaving as long as Ashley does.

I smile at her and sign, "No, baby, not like Imma. You will see them every single day, they aren't leaving you. In fact, on some days you will sleep in your room at their house/"

This brought a small smile to her lips, "Really?"

"Really, really," I tapped her nose. I looked over at Ashley who was smiling contently at me.

This was all real; we were together, a family.

Ashley kissed Ripley's cheek, "Come on, Butterfly, someone needs to fly into bed."

"Otay," she said.

"Give Mama kisses," I said reaching for the little girl with her messy brown locks. I took her in my arms as she gave me a kiss. "Love you, baby."

"Love you mama," She said, her favorite thing to say to me now. I think she loves the reaction on my face, that pure look of love for your child. She has said it a million times since the first time she said it, and it never got old.

"Okay baby, let Imma put you to bed." I handed her back to Ashley.

"Num num, Imma?"

Ashley nodded her head, "Yep baby, let's go sit in your room and I will sing to you also."

I followed then through her nursery and walked into our bedroom. I sat back on the bed imagining the sound of Ashley's voice as she sang our daughter to sleep.

Ashley softly cracked the door when she came into our room. She smiled at me as she took off her shirt and threw it over on the dark comfy chair by the closet. She stripped out of her pants and pulled off her bra. This was the way we slept all the time, only in our underwear, loving the skin on skin contact.

I licked my lips at the sight of her beautiful plump breasts, I knew there was another reason why breastfeeding was a good idea.

She smiled at me as she crawled under the covers, "Down, girl, I am so tired."

I smiled and laid my body halfway on her's, resting my head in the crook of her neck for a moment. I loved her organic smell, it was astonishingly beautiful. I pulled back and smiled at my sleepy girl, "I love you."

She kissed my lips softly before replying, "Baby, I love you too."

"God, I love this."

She snuggled into me more, "I will never, ever let you leave my arms."

"Good. I never, ever want to leave your arms."

"Thank you."

I arch my eyebrow, "Why?"

She ran her thumb over my bottom lip, "Because you made my life something I am entirely and happily content in."

I chuckled, "Baby, I should be the one who should thank you."

She shook her head, "Baby, you showed me love without asking anything in return, you showed me that I am a good person, you showed me happiness."

"You already knew all that."

"No, baby, I never knew what it was until you. You are my family, you helped create our family. **Our** small family within our bigger one. You showed me that I can me a mom." Her eyes was glossy in the light. "Thank you."

My heart flew out of my chest. I never really realized I was the one to do anything like that. I gave my love to her, free and willingly. I was the one who was grateful. She taught me everything I know about love. She welcomed me into her family, the first real time I felt like I was in a real family. She taught my family acceptance. She gave me love and a daughter.

Oh, and not to forget the **amazing** sex.

She was perfect.

"I love you," I say against her lips. "I hope that we can add to the family soon."

She pulls back, her eyes widened. "Really?"

I nodded my head.

"When?"

I chuckled, "Anytime you want baby."

"Soon?!"

"Yes, darling, soon."

"I mean, you would?"

I nodded my head.

We both wanted more children. I felt the need to have a child of my own, I always had. I knew that even with my bipolar, I could be the perfect mom. Being Ripley's Mama just added to my belief. What is even better is that the kid would have Ashley as a mother. Not to mention Aiden and Kyla as another set of parents.

As Kyla pointed out earlier that day as we laid down with the girls, "Spence, I will always be the girl's Mommy, Aiden will always be their Daddy, Ashley will always be their Imma, and you will always be their Mama. You know that right? I think that is the best thing ever. All our children, now or in the future, will always have four parents."

It was true. It was how we liked it too. Of course, we would have our own children living with us, but like Ripley goes to Kyla's and Aiden's on the weekend, we would have things work out.

No matter what, our kids had us for.

It might be a crazy thought, but it was our family.

"Spence, what about college?" Ashley asked lightly.

I smiled, "I'm done with my freshman year, going into my sophomore year. Hopefully, by the time I get pregnant it would be before Christmas."

Her eyes widened, "You're serious?!"

I smiled, "It's all up to you baby."

I kissed her on her lips and she pulled back, "I want a boy!"

I smiled at her giddiness. "Hun, we don't determine that."

She smiled, "Well, if we don't then we can kill Aiden…then again I want a little girl to. Hell, if you're having them then I want a million little Spencer's running around."

I laughed at her, "Aiden?"

She got serious and began to get nervous, "I figured after our talk, all four of us, he would be the best candidate."

I smiled, "He is the perfect candidate."

She smiled, "Thank you."

I nodded my head. Then added curiously, "How about you? I wouldn't mind for some more little Ashley's around here."

She laughed, "After our son is born and when I am completely done touring, then I will for you baby."

My eyes got big. She would do that for me?

She would.

She would give me the world.

"Okay baby, when we have this son of ours, who might I say hasn't been conceived yet, and you finish touring, we both will get pregnant."

Her eyes widened, "That would be the best! I bet we can get Glen to donate, a perfect mix of me and you in all our babies!"

I laughed loudly, "Oh my God, if we both get pregnant at the same time…Boy would that be a crazy house!"

She laughed at me and then let out a deep yawn, "I'm sleepy."

I kissed her lips yet again, "Me too baby."

Her lips brushed mine for a moment before her eyes stared lovingly in mine, "No matter what happens; good or bad, I will love you Spencer Carlin for an eternity and a day, always and forever."

My eyes clouded with tears, "Baby…fuck….you had my heart before we even met each other. You had my soul long before each of us was even thought of. You have my love for eternity and a day; through hell or high water." 

…forever.

I stepped out of the elevator. My feet felt like lead weights and I felt like I couldn't make the five foot walk to the door.

It looked normal, the large red door. It had glitter hand prints reflecting light. Mom must have token Ripley to the Kid Spa and she got into the body glitter again.

Ashley would have a hard time getting her in the bath. Ripley didn't like taking the kind of baths where she would get scrubbed down. We always had to bribe her to take a bath with us in Mama's and Imma's big girl bath to scrub all the stuff off.

She had us in the palm of her hands.

With each step a memory ran across my mind.

_We were taking a bath one night and I looked like a huge balloon. We got out of the bath and Ripley put her hand on my belly and looked up at me and Ash, " Is my baby brothers in there?"_

We nodded our head.

She laughed and put her ear to my belly. She stayed like that for about three minutes before she looked at us, "They said that they love us."

I smiled at her, her whimsical ways on life made my world beautiful. 

I took another step.

_She leaned in and put her ear against my belly again. Her tiny hands came to sit on either side of my plump stomach. She nodded her head like she was listening to the babies speak._

She pulled her head back and kissed one side of my stomach, muttered some words, and then kissed the other side and muttered some more words.

When she looked at us she looked a little sad, like her eyes was glossed with tears.

We didn't realize her sadness or what it meant.

"Mama, they love you." She signed to me, in such a perfect manner. She didn't look like a three year old anymore. She looked like she was as wise as God himself.

I smiled at her and bent to pick her down, Ashley's hand going to the small of my back. I sorta wasn't suppose to be picking her up in my last couple months. I kiss her cheek, "That is good, Butterfly, I am glad they love me."

She nodded her head and laid her head on my shoulder. She muttered something, but of course I couldn't hear it.

Later, after we dropped her off at Kyla's and Aiden's I asked Ashley what she said and she looked at me confused, "Something about 'not ready'."

I nodded my head, "Aww, she's probably not ready for them yet."

Ashley smiled at me and leaned forward to turn up the radio before answering me, "Maybe. Oh! This is a good song. Chealsea told me about this."

"What is is?"

"My Name by George Canyon, it's sad, but it was something that helped Chelsea a while ago."

One more step and I would be there.

One more step toward my girl.

Both my girls.

_  
I couldn't move as I watched her weigh each one. I wanted to touch them again, but it scared me too much. The weight on my chest still didn't go away._

Ashley is sitting down on the toilet, her head in her hands. We couldn't comfort each other right now, I needed to see them.

My voice, shaky, spoke up, "How much do they weight?"

Mae, my midwife smiled at me, "exactly five pounds each, 19 inches long. The perfect image of each other."

My eyes widened and I stepped forward. She stepped aside as both the boys lay swaddled in their green blankets. They head covered with matching hats. Their lips were red and their skin was a light tanned color. They had cute button noses and my ears. They had my ears.

Their lips were puckered, like they wanted to feed.

My breasts ached for them.

They looked like perfect angels.

I walked forward, each boy the perfect copy as the other. I pulled off their little hats and smoothed down their hair. It was a reddish brown, like Ashley's.

I picked both them up, held each in my arms, and walked over to Ashley.

I was crying so fucking hard as I slid down next to her holding my baby boys to my chest.

I remember saying, "They weren't ready," over and over again.

She fell to the floor next to me and wrapped her arms around me, touching each boy's face. She cried into my shoulder. She moved her hand to my palm.

She signed.

F.  
O.  
R.  
E.  
V.  
E.  
R.  


I knocked on the door and wiped away my tears. I took a deep breath and prepared myself.

I was lost.

I was going to jump.

I was so devastated.

I was so alone.

I knocked on the door once more, knowing that four in the morning wasn't the best time to knock on someone's door.

What could I say?

I'm going to get my girl.

**End**

::hides::

::peeks out:::

What do you think?

:::steps out in the open::

I love you

::runs back and hides:: 


	22. Chapter 21

**Thank you so very very much for all your comments and wishes! I love you guys!**

Chapter Twenty One  


I felt compelled to just open the door and run into the house, but then I figured that would be a little…well uncalled for. My patience was shit and her taking forever to open the door didn't help me any.

I shifted nervously from foot to foot trying to figure out what I wanted to say to her. I needed to say the perfect words, but what are they?

I glanced down at my shifting feet trying to find something to say to her. I mean, I knew that all I needed to say was 'I Love You' and she would hear all the unsaid words lying underneath that statement. That just felt too bland to say, when all I have to offer her are my words.

The door knob turned, catching my attention. It was hurriedly pulled back by a half asleep Ashley.

She had no time to see who it was before my whole body launched into her's. She stumbled back a couple seconds before regaining her balance. My arms went around her waist and my face buried in her neck. I forgot how good she felt. By the time she recognized who it was that had her in a death grip, tears was streaming down my tears.

So much for my perfect words.

Her arms stood in midair for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then she did it; her slender arms wrapped around my mid section pulling me to her. A hand came up and smoothed down my hair as she pushed her perfectly formed lips to my ear.

"Shhh."

I just held on tighter. The feel of her skin and the smell of her body were flooding my senses. I almost forgot her unique and breath taking smell.

I cried "I love you" over and over into her ear, knowing that it was the only words that needed to escape my lips.

After a few minutes, she pulled back a little bit to look me in the eyes. She brought her hands up to my face, smoothing away the tears. She smiled softly at me, the only smile of her's that was entirely mine. Her brown eyes sparkled as they looked into my lifeless blue ones.

She took my hand and led me into our home, closing the door behind her. She wouldn't turn around to see where we were heading, but only kept looking at me. Her eyes were bouncing around all my face as if she was trying to remember everything about me.

We sat on the long comfortable couch and didn't let out of each other. It wasn't until fifty beautiful minutes of soft touching and reassuring smiles, words was spoken. The soft sunlight from the open windows was slowly peeking its way in. It created the perfect light for me seeing her lips.

"God, Spence, I missed you." She said squeezing my hand in her's.

I pulled her in another hug. I couldn't possibly keep her to far away from me. I needed her here in my arms. I had been gone too long to not touch her.

"I missed you in every second of every day." I confessed pulling back to see her face, but not letting her out of my arms.

Her face was glowing by the second, creating a euphoria feeling in my stomach. I knew that this was where I belonged. There was no other place in the world that could make me feel like this, no other person in the world that made me feel like this.

I belonged here.

In her arms.

She didn't ask me any questions. I think I sorta figured out that she would know all the answers. She didn't look at me as if I was any less or any different. She looked at me like I was her Spencer. She looked at me like I had been to hell and back, but she understood.

She understood because she went there too.

I kissed her cheek softly before pulling back to look at her. "I want to say 'I'm sorry' for running, but I think I needed to run. I needed to be by myself for a while, to begin the healing process."

She smoothed back some stay blond hair, "I could have helped you. We was going through this, we should have been going through this together."

I took her hands in mine again. "We will go through this together, there is so much more we need to deal with. But, I think my body needed that time to heal and my mind needed that time to cope in its own way. I hated that I was so deep in myself, but I needed that time to find my way out."

I looked up at her brown eyes to see if she was following the words I was saying. I continued when I figured she understood everything. "I needed to find my way out of my mind to my heart. I needed to find my way back to you…to Ripley…to our family."

I smiled sadly at her and leaned in to lay a chaste kiss on her lips. I pulled back only to see her smile devilishly at me and jump forward to attack my lips.

Oh, she got my words. She understood them. One thing I loved about her was she didn't waste time. We talked, and we will talk even more, but right now we were back in each other's arms. Right now….we just needed each other.

She pulled back out of the kiss to smile at me. "I miss you," she repeated from her earlier statement.

I matched her smirk, "Really? And how much?"

I didn't feel her hand sneaking into my pants, but when her soft fingers flicked my clit I knew just how much.

**Short, I know, but I figured I needed to get something out for you guys to know I haven't abandoned you.**


	23. Chapter 22

A/N I am terribly sorry that I haven't updated. Please forgive me. I want to try to update more often. Thank my fic Twilight, for making me update. I was re-reading the Twilight saga and listening to the Mitch Hansen band and wanted to update Twilight. I couldn't update one of my baby's and not the other right?

This chapter is different. It is in 3rd person point of view. I was so out of sync with this story I haven't connected back with the characters just yet. Plus, it's rather on the short side. I am trying to get back in touch with the story.

Well, leave me love.

Thank you to everyone who kept begging me to update. I love you.

_ I didn't feel her hand sneaking into my pants, but when her soft fingers flicked my clit I knew just how much._

**Chapter Twenty Two**

The blond decided that it was time she threw all her worries and sadness behind her. She softly sat herself astride Ashley's lap. She draped her arms around the girl's neck and softly brushed her lips against Ashley's. Ashley moaned against her lips in pleasure. She had missed the feeling of her lover against her. She aggressively put her hands on Spencer's hips and kissed her back fiercely.

Spencer felt herself become excited as Ashley's tongue slipped into her mouth. She moved her hands to the dark haired girl's tank and let herself feel the weight of Ashley's breast in her hands. She quickly lifted it over her head, throwing it behind her. Her hungry eyes smiled as she saw her girl didn't have a bra underneath.

Ashley smiled, basking in everything that was Spencer. She had missed the younger girl terribly and knew if she didn't have a daughter to look after, she would have been worse off then she already was. She let her hand wonder back to the front of the younger girl's jeans and rubbed her hand against her center. Spencer arched her back and let a small moan escape her lips. Ashley quickly pulled off Spencer's shirt and hungrily took one of her breast in her mouth.

Grinning against Spencer's creamy flesh she stood up with the girl in her arms. Spencer wrapped her legs tightly around Ashley's waist, amazed at how strong her girl was. Ashley continued to attack her lips while bringing them towards the huge windows. It was in no time before Spencer's back hit the cold surface of the glass and Ashley had her hand in Spencer's wetness.

For a moment, both girls breathed heavily and looked into each others eyes. Everything that had happened didn't seem so bad anymore when they were both in each other's arms.

Ashley kissed Spencer's lips once more before pulling back and looking into her deep blue eyes. The small peeks of the sunrise illuminating her body.

"Do you trust me? Love me?"

The morning glow illuminated the entire room as Spencer stood in front of the stove checking on the homemade cinnamon buns she had in the oven. She had changed into some green boy shorts and a light blue tank. She became thankful that most of her clothes were still here.

Ashley watched from her place in front of the window. One hand came up to play with her necklace as a smile graced her lips. Her beautiful lover was in the kitchen making breakfast. The simple-ness of everything became a little overwhelming. Ashley knew that things weren't that easy and they will have to work through a lot of things, but she had her girl back.

Everything couldn't be easier.

She watched as the blond close the stove and turned around to grace her with a smile. Ashley stuck her tongue out at the younger girl before making a silly face. This small action caused Spencer to burst out in laughter.

Who knew angels could sound so beautiful?

Spencer recovered herself and signed, "You think you're funny?"

Ashley nodded her head eagerly, walking closer to the blond. Right before she made it to the blond, a dark haired blur came out of nowhere and flung herself against Spencer's legs.

"Mama!" Was being signed erratically over and over in pure excitement to see the blond.

Spencer bent down and picked up the little girl and held her close in her arms. She smiled at her daughter, noticing her hair had gotten highlighted with a few strips of blond. She smiled at the girl and smoothed the tangle heap back.

"I see you got highlights," she signed to the little girl and then looked at Ashley.

The little girl nodded, "Mhm, Nanny 'etted me."

Spencer kissed her forehead, "Well, Butterfly, it looks gorgeous."

The little girl beamed at her mother before hugging her tightly. The strength the tiny arms possessed create a small sadness in Spencer. The little girl held onto her with all her life, not wanting to let her go.

Did she really cause this much damage?

Yeah, okay this is super short. I still don't really know how to finish this. I promise next update will be better.

Love.

Valentine.


	24. Chapter 23: Epilogue

Epilogue

The last rays of sun were leaving the room as we lay comfortably on the bed. The careless day was something that all three of us needed. The promised trip to the park was well welcomed and enjoyed.

Ripley had been surprised to see me there this morning. Her overjoyed attitude stayed with all of us all day. She didn't want me to let her go and if I did, she didn't want me out of her sight. She was used to Ashley leaving. The young girl grew up with her gone most of her life. Yet, when I came into her life I never once left. Instead, I was the parent who was constant with her. It must have stunted her when I never came home one night.

When we arrived back from the park, our bellies full from the spontaneous picnic we had feasted on while sitting underneath a large willow tree, we went straight into our bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Here we are, three happy girls lying next to each other.

A family.

It didn't take too long for Ripley to drift off asleep. I kissed her forehead before turning around and looking at Ashley. The twilight behind her created a hue of light that made her look heavenly. She was this beautiful, strong, and amazing woman. I was entirely too lucky to have her in my life let alone to be my love.

I was thankful for all the gifts that God has given me, but at this very moment I was thankful for Ashley Davies' patience. She has shown me nothing but an amazing effort of patience. From my ability from not being able to hear to the need to be alone to deal with the death of our two sons, she has shown me an abundant amount of patience…and love.

I knew that there was so many things that we still had to work through. Our children had been born dead. That was a huge thing that we had to work through. I knew that my way at dealing with things weren't exactly the best, but at the time it was what I needed. It was the only thing I knew how to do anyway. That is no excuse, but was what I did and I knew that I couldn't redo that.

Instead, now we have to work out everything. It wasn't from scratch though. No, we were a little ways past that. Instead, we were at a crossroad. We were at the point where dealing with death was going to hit us full throttle soon, but we were stronger then it. Instead of the last month, only having ourselves, we have each other to deal with it. That is what really mattered, that we are going through this together.

The grasp around my waist became tighter and pulled me in closer to her warm body. I smiled softly, knowing that this is where I belong, and cuddled in closer to her body. I felt her hand come into my view and turn my chin slightly so I could see her as she spoke to me. Our slight movement caused Ripley to squirm around and settle into the curve of my back.

"Hello," Ashley said softly to me.

I smiled playing along, "Hello to you."

She leaned forward and placed a small kiss on my cheek, lingering there for a second before pulling back. "I've missed this," she confessed.

I nodded my head and moved the stray piece of chestnut hair behind her ear. "Me too."

Her eyes grew softer and with a glassy glaze of sadness. Her face was pained, "When you left me I felt like I lost three of my loves. I hurt too."

My heart broke in a million little pieces and if it wasn't for her being there I would have thought I would have lost all those pieces and faded away into nothingness.

She was as hurt as I was and I only caused her more pain. My deep sorrow and apologies mean the world and she knows how sorry I am, but saying it over and over won't help.

No, that won't help.

Instead I took her hand and signed, "F-O-R-E-V-E-R."

It was a promise I would always keep.

bThree Months Later/b

The table was a scene of laid back and carefreeness. I watched with loving eyes as my family laughed over a story my father was telling in his usual eye-catching and interesting nature. I looked around at the many faces of the people who I have grown to love laugh with such easiness.

Our bellies were full and our hearts were warmed with the vibrant love that we were sending to each other unconsciously. This kind of energy was palpable and visual, this kind of energy was the pure love that people talk about. It was in it's purest form through smiles, laughter, soft glances, and caring words.

"So, when we walked out of the store Ripper looked up at me and said," Dad explained as he glanced over at the little beauty who had rest her head against my chest. She smiled over at Dad but dared not move. Her little tummy was full from all the food and I softly rubbed tinny circles to help sooth her. "'Poppy...why is boys so darn hairy?' I swear, I couldn't stop laughing when she said that!"

The table burst out in laughter and I smiled over at Ashley who was laughing freely. The huge smile on her face was comforting and made my heart skip beats. We have had a tough last three months, but we were dealing very well. We had mostly kept to ourselves, still made small visits to Kyla and Aiden's but we thought we needed to get our family back on track first. This dinner was the first in a very long while.

It felt good.

Ripley furrowed her eyebrows at everyone and I watched her lips as she spoke, "Wot? They ahre!"

We all broke out in huge, from our belly laughter and the small girl folded her arms over each other and pouted. The adorable connection between mother and daughter could automatically be connected. Her tiny nose scrunched up and her big brown eyes stared at everyone with such a convincing sadness. Her bottom lip stuck out and with her hair down framing her small angelic face, she looked like the tiny version of Ashley.

I kissed her forehead, "Oh, butterfly, I know they are. I mean, look at Glen's face."

This caused a laugh to erupt from the tiny body and from the other people around the table. Aiden had to hand Mare over to Kyla because he began to choke on his drink. The tall man stood up and held his side.

Glen looked over at him, "Pfft, a real man's hairy! They don't shave every inch of their body like someone we know." He glared at the laughing man.

Kyla smiled slyly at Glen, "Hehe, who says he shaves himself?"

Ashley's eyes got huge, "Oh My God! Ky!"

I shook my head at them but continued to watch the bickering.

All I hear was nothingness. No sound dares penetrate my senses and I have no idea what their voices consist of. I do know how the sound penetrates my heart. I can feel it and see it and experience full force.

I have been gifted by God by my loss of sound.

Then, when everyone stops their laughing and the table becomes motionless I know that I am also cursed. Someone said something that caused the easiness and the laughter to fade into something deeper and intense.

I looked around, "What?"

No one spoke, no one dare to speak.

The perfect night was at stake and what they didn't know was that it would continue to be perfect if we were just all here together.

I looked from Mom and Dad, each sitting at the end of the table. Dad sat strong but his face was pensive. Mom looked down at the table and wiped at the small tear in her eye. My brothers just looked down at the table not knowing where else to look. Kyla held a sadness in her gaze as she held Mare closer to her, cradled her in the way a mother would hold to her child. Aiden glanced over at Kyla and Mare and then met Ashley's glossy eyes. Ripley looked around bewildered.

She looked up at me, "Mama, wot I say?"

I looked down at her and then over at Ashley. Her side swop of red hair falling into her face, covering the small trail of tears. She reached for my hand and I quickly took it.

"Nothing baby," Ashley smiled sadly at Ripley. "It's just makes us all sad when you mention your brothers."

My eyes fell and a deep sadness fell deep into the pits of my stomach. I kissed Ripley's forehead and held her close trying to fill the whole in my heart of my two dead sons who never had the chance to breathe life.

Ripley's big brown eyes looked up into mine, "'m sawry Mama. I just said I wrish dey were hwere. Dey wood of wuved us."

I smiled sadly at her, adoring her child like nature. "They would have, baby, and we would have loved them."

She nodded her tiny head, brown locks falling everywhere.

"Spencer," Kyla looked at me with glossy tears on her cheeks. "We lost them too."

That one sentence reached my heart and twisted it with intense understanding. I have only been thinking about myself. Then I have been focusing on trying to heal Ashley and my pain. I never really thought past the fact that Kyla and Aiden was mourning also. They also lost two sons. My parents lost two grandsons.

I didn't think about my family and their lost.

Ashley squeezed my hands and I smiled sadly at her. I looked around at my family and smile sadly at them. "I know," I whispered sadly. "I know."

Ashley pulled softly at my hand and spoke, "We all lost them...but we have each other."

I grinned at her and met everyone's eyes.

"We have each other," I repeated to myself.

We all would get through this.

bFive Years Later/b

We stood at the edge of the beach as the tide came up and rose to our bare feet. I wiggled my toes in the wet sand, feeling the freedom of happiness wash over me. I looked over at her and smiled brightly, cocking my head to the side. Her soft hand came in contact with mine and she held it up to her lips. Her light caress with her lips made my heart flutter.

After all these years, she still makes my heart skip beats.

She pointed over at the scene before us. Only five feet ahead of us, three children played happily in the sand. There lips moving in an unknown language of communication that only the close siblings share. Their skin was all sunkissed from the many hours spent outside. They faces all held smiles and laughter that would carry on with them throughout their years.

They were happy children, the perfect children.

As the light blow of the wind kissed Ashley and my skin, it blew at the children's hair. The small girl, bigger than the two boys but still tiny in her own, hair was a deep shade of reddish brown. She brought her hand up to her face trying to fight her away of her face. A look of frustration shown on the seven year old's face as she stood up and came running over to Ashley and I.

She signed at me with a pout, "Mama, can you put my hair up?"

I nodded my head and told her to turn around. I combed my hand through her hair and brought it into a pony tail. She turned around and thanked me before running back to the scene with her two smaller brothers.

I turned to Ashley, "This is perfect."

She nodded her head, "It is, isn't it?"

"Mhm, it truly is."

She looked back over at our three children before putting a hand on her own protruding stomach, "Our boys came back to us, and look at me now. Spencer Davies, you must learn how to use protection."

I bursted out in laughter. I sure know how to pick 'em.

I glanced at her and bent down onto my knees. Putting my ear to her stomach I whispered up to her, "I think I rather like you this way."

The tight skin over her beautiful bare stomach was smooth against the side of my face. I felt the thumping of the tiny being inside her kicking softly at my cheek. Already a smart child at such a young age. I wonder who they would take after. I wonder what they would look like. I wonder if they would be born close with the three older ones. I wonder who they would be come.

I felt a tiny tap on my shoulder and turned around at my three angels standing there smiling at me. Ripley stood behind the two identical boys. Their hazel colored eyes smiled widely at me. I smiled and smoothed back both of their hair that was held back in a long pony tail. As much as Ripley was the copy of Ashley, the boys were the copies of me. I smiled at their childish faces as one spoke and signed. Ashley doesn't seem to let the fact that their signing is better than their English. They would much better communicate with their own language that only Ripley could understand with them.

"Mama, we hwear?" Ackley asked.

I nodded my head as I stood up next to my wife. The three children crowded around her stomach, finding small spaces to lay their hears and listen to their little baby communicate back to their whispers. Ripley bent up and looked at us with a heart warming smile on her face. I remember the first time she ever laid her ear against my own stomach, informing me that my two boys weren't ready to come to us just yet. My heart almost froze at her look, but her eyes help pure joy.

It would all be all right.

We were all right.

We were perfect.

I clasped Ashley's hand in mine once more. I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

This was our life, this was our happiness. We created a beautiful home with three, almost four, beautiful children.

Ackley and Hunter were two beautiful and intelligent three year olds. Their personalities were of two old spirits with child like charms. I woke up amazed, everyday, at being a mother to my children. I enjoyed being able to be home with my children, and being able to pick up a wonderful future in writing also. I enjoyed seeing my beautiful wife everyday, spending our days on the beach inspiring each other. I love the fact that I have an endless supply of love in my life.

I smiled as I caught a glint of our family making their way down to the beach from our home. Mom and Dad, happy as can be, walking ahead of everyone as their three grandchildren caught sight of them and took off running to them. I laughed as Hunter feel into the sand but quickly jumped up and continued with his brother and sister.

Kyla and Aiden were behind them. Ashley Nicole, as she liked being called now, walked proudly in the middle of them. Her long brown curls hanging down her back as she carried herself with a since of knowing who she was. She looked exactly like her mother with small hints of her father, but she thrived on the thought of being just like her hero. The person of her namesake. Sitting proudly on Aiden's shoulders was the laughing two year old. Their son, Addison, beamed strongly from his father's shoulders as Ackley and Hunter ran past their beaming Nana to their 'Papa'. It amazes how close our families are, but I am happy at the closeness. I am happy that my children are fortunate enough to have two sets of parents.

Ashley pulled at my hand, dragging me from my thoughts. She grinned at me, "Forever?"

I nodded my head and dragged her up to meet out family.

Our love would live on forever.

END


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